“Hello, I am a unicorn. Well, sort of!! I am in the slammer. I am a unicat to be exact! I got put here after I used my dark magic to hypnotize a man to do my evil bidding!”
Hello, I am a unicorn. Well, sort of!! I am in the slammer. I am a unicat to be exact! I got put here after I used my dark magic to hypnotize a man to do my evil bidding! Okay, so maybe not all of that is true! Okay, none of it is true!! Okay! I actually just used my half unicorn magic to get a free corn dog in McDonald’s and then tried to escape using my kiddy car after the cops came and told me to stop, but then I didn’t get far after I forgot to change the battery in that thing! They put this mask on me, and I imagined flying. Then I was on the moon! I think that mask had some of this gas that makes me feel all woozy and stuff!
Anyway, I have to escape!!! So I have a brilliant plan! As a unicat I need to keep my creative mind open. After all, brilliant ideas like mine come naturally in a unicat like me. Well the only unicat like me. I am the only unicat in the world! So lonely! Well anyway! I will use this plastic spoon to dig my way out of here! According to my calculations, I should be getting out of here in about… umm… years. Oh well! I am still digging, and I am super exhausted! Ahhh! I am a unicat, not a manual labored slave!!! That is it! I will use my amazing power to escape this place! If I spend one more day in the slammer, I think I’ll break! Okay, so this is my plan. I’m going in. First, I have to use my magical unicorn powers to bend the steel bars and squeeze between. Then, I have to drop kick the cops! (If that is possible.) After I do that, I’ll kick open the gates with my mighty strength (not really, I’ll just use my magic) and then I’ll try to get another free corn dog! I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. I need to learn my lesson… I need to get two free corn dogs, duh!
Five minutes later…
*Sounds of missiles crashing into the ground.*
Ahhh, these people are trying to kill me! I just open the gate quietly and start prancing to my freedom! I am also running with another one of my cellmates called Screamy Sam. He is a pony, and I should have known that he would have freaked once I opened the gate! Well anyway, we had a deep conversation about why he shouldn’t scream in the middle of operation escape prison and don’t scream! Well, I told him we couldn’t scream.
He says back, “Fine, then I’ll go, and you can stay here. I don’t want to close the gate on you by accident.”
I reply maybe a bit too brutally, “Why? ‘Cause you think that when I trip and fall and then the gate closes on my hoove that I’ll be limping and you’ll be calling me Limpy for the rest of my life and there will be a huge hideous scar across my eye, but all the real scars will be on the inside where my heart should be?”
He says, sounding a bit concerned, “ Ummm… are you okay, or should I call Dr. Phil?”
I say back, “No. Sorry you had to hear that.”
Anyway, recap. I am running as fast as my little hooves can go. I would fly, but I don’t want to leave my new (and only) friend, Screamy Sam.
A few seconds later…
Yes, we are finally off! You may be wondering where, but we are going to… McDonald’s (to get two corn dogs, well, three for Screamy Sam)!
Anyway, Screamy Sam says he wants to go and visit Las Vegas, and I am all like “Who needs Las Vegas when you got all the corn dogs in New York?”
Then he says back, “Umm… everyone?”
I go right up in his face and practically scream, “Wrong! Dude, ya gotta keep up with the program!”
We finally get there, and the owner of the McDonald’s throws a broom, and it lands on Screamy Sam’s hoof, and guess what! Turns out he sprains it! So I have to carry him all the way to a cloud, so he can rest! Man, boys are complicated. I have to go dumpster diving and find a bandage. This reminds me of the story my cat mom used to tell me about my birth.
She said, “Oh, Caticorn, when you were born, the day was bright and sunny and warm. The breeze smelled as if someone sprayed Febreeze in the air, and when you finally were born, your unidad was so happy, and so was I. You practically flew out of there. You were always the seeker of adventure we raised you to be. So wrap this bandage around your leg, so your scrape will feel better. You’ll be flying around in no time!”
Well anyway, I go back to the cloud, and then I wrap the bandage around his hoof. After that, we both just daze off into sleep mode I guess. Oh, I guess I might have forgotten to tell you that Screamy Sam has a black hood that covers his mane. He is pretty weird though. When I tried to yeet his hood off, he dodged my hoof!
I was all like, “It’s hot, dude, take off your hood! You’re going to get a heat stroke!”
But he wouldn’t budge for anything I tried! So I just let the dude do whatever he wants. To be honest, I refuse to tell him this to his face, but he is pretty fun, okay. He has a sense of humor! But there is no way we could be best friends since he is a pony and I am a unicat! Other species can’t be friends! It’s part of RuleBook of Animaltopia, rule five, page two, paragraph 16, sentence eight: You shall not be friends or have any sort of relationship with other species other than your kind. It kind of sucks to be honest.
Anyway, Sam — I mean Screamy Sam — just woke up, and he sounded like an alarm clock. He almost scared the glitter out of me. When he woke up, instead of like normal animals, he screamed his head off!
I am like “Dude, are you okay!!! Do you need the hospital or anything!”
He responds very calmly and rationally as if nothing at all happened. “What are you talking about? I just yawned, yeesh. I think you might need the hospital!” And then he laughs a little.
I am like, “Ummm, you’re joking right?”
He looks so puzzled I think even maybe I was wrong and I was crazy, not him! But then I remember I am never, never wrong, so that isn’t exactly an option. I really don’t know who is crazy (probably him), but it totally doesn’t matter at all to me! (It really does.) Anyway, his hoof is feeling better, so I decide why not — like civilized savage animals — we go to a diner for breakfast. So, I have to go dumpster diving to try and find a little bit of money while Screamy Sam just watches me go dumpster diving! It is so embarrassing. He has to take a banana peel off of my head after I get out of there. I smell like a dog barfed all over me that had eaten pickles, a squirrel, smelly gym socks, moldy bread, and a part of a shoe for breakfast. Speaking of breakfast, we are still Screamy — what am I saying? I meant to say screamingly hungry! If I don’t get my morning cat juice with rainbow unicorn sprinkles on top, I think I’m going to die of immensely low sugar! Do you even know what that can do to a unicat?!
“I need to survive!” I tell Screamy Sam, while running in circles panicking.
“You mean we need to survive, right?” he says, looking a bit concerned.
“Uhhh, yeah did I say I? I meant we. I meant we totally,” I blurt out.
So we go to this diner place. It has an organic smoothie (ew) but whatever. At least I get to eat my pancakes with maple syrup topped with some whipped cream, frosted edible bananas, with rainbow sprinkles, and a unicorn toy on top of it all. These pancakes are my usual everyday breakfast. I really think I need more sugar in my body! That “organic, good for your health smoothie” totally makes my mouth bitter! Talk about yuck! Anyway, after Screamy Sam finishes his confetti flavored cupcakes we steal — I mean borrow — we head to the police because we found this stray cat on the street, and when I tried to clean it with my tongue like how mommy cats do to their young, it clobbered out of my hooves with drool leaking from its mouth and started chasing a car! Screamy Sam thought it was a dog! Pshhh he is so, wait a second, maybe that cat wasn’t really a cat! Oh! It was obviously… a tiger! You find them all the time in those shops. Except they don’t really move, and they are usually on display. I thought maybe tigers would be at least a little more territorial. But hey I’m not hating, just stating!
So once we get there, I see some really cool photos of me and Screamy Sam on a pole! I can’t really read, but it has a number on it and some words on it, too. I think they are going to give us money or something! You don’t think we are wanted right… Nah! Well, the police sure must have been jealous of us or something, ‘cause they keep on saying we’ve got ‘em or something. Then there are these silver thingies that they pull out, and they look like pretty stylish bracelets. So when I ask them if I could have one, they say, “Get ‘em!”
But before I could say, “Hey, that’s not really nice,” Screamy Sam grabs my hoof, and we start flying. We settled on a cloud to get some sleep and rest since it is getting dark out.
When I wake up the next morning, I find Screamy Sam’s hood on the floor. But he is nowhere in site.
“Scream Sam?!” I scream. Hey, that’s kind of ironic!
Then when I look down, I see another unicat! I am like, O-M-G, I’ll catch Screamy Sam later! I have another friend now, maybe!
So I fly down to the floor, and when I see the other unicat, I say, “Hey! What’s your name? Are you just like me? Are you nice? Are you funny? Are you competitive? And most importantly, do you have magical powers and can fly? Wait, that’s not important. What is, is… do you puke hairballs, too?”
The other unicat totally ignores me! So I go up and turn their face around, and it is a boy unicat, with sky blue and turquoise hair colors, and he has light blue eyes.
“Ummm, hi?” I say, totally bewildered for I don’t know what reason.
“Ummm, hey Unica — ”
“Actually more importantly, can we be friends?” I say.
“Ummmm, Unicat — ” says the boy unicat.
“I have another best friend that is called Screamy Sam, and he is great, really, did you know — ” I say, being interrupted by the boy unicat.
“Unicat, I am Screamy Sam! Well, actually, my name is just Sam, but whatever,” he says, staring at me and smiling.
Then everything goes black, and I wake up staring at the sky.
Then I murmur, “How long was I out?
Then I hear Screamy Sam’s voice say, “About an hour or so.”
Then I fly up and say “What have you done to Screamy Sam???”
“I am Sam!” says Screamy S-Sam.
“Oh, forgot” I say. “So you have been pretending to be my friend , too?” I say, hurt.
“What! Are you crazy! You are so much fun! Of course we’re friends!” replies Sam quickly.
“Oh good,” I say, relieved.
Well anyway, I guess we are friends now.
But I say to Sam, “But I wish I knew I was the only unicat in the world. I felt so unique and special. I don’t know, I kind of liked feeling I was special and one of a kind.”
Then Sam puts his hoof around me and gives me a big bear, well, unicat I guess, hug.
Then I say, “Okay, that got weird, so where are we going now?”
Sam and I just stand there bewildered.
Then he says, “Vegas… ?”
I don’t want to disappoint the guy, so I say, “Okay, let’s take our wings and fly to vegas!”
So after a few hours by flight, we crash onto a cloud and are waiting for the snack cart to come around until I realize we aren’t in an airplane. Anyway, I get there, and we meet a nice walrus called Wally T., but I just call her Wally. She helps us “borrow” some pizza, and she asks us if we have a place to stay for the night.
I say, “Hmmm… well that bench looks pretty comfy!”
She is shocked and grabs us by our manes, then brings us deep into the woods, ties a string to what she calls “the special trees,” then she hangs a carpet thing onto the string (it looks more like a clothing line if you ask me) and then throws us in there. Then I see white or black, but I don’t really remember… Anyway back to the story, we are in the North Pole! But Sam says that walruses live in the Arctic, but I complain and say that she is magical. Hey, she never had a life-threatening crisis or anything! That makes her pretty magical to me. Anyway I’m going to have to leave now, but I’ll write again in a few days! (Wally T. is serving crumpets. But they feel and taste more like rocks… ) Anyway, bye!!!