“This is the most stupid thing I did in my life. I mean who writes in a diary these days?”
May something, 2075
This is the most stupid thing I did in my life. I mean who writes in a diary these days? My stupid wife told me to write in one so I can get my thoughts on paper. Do you think I care about that? If you said no, then congratulations, you’re right. I’m Bob. I have a few things that I need to tell you about me. First, I have eight sons. Second, I’m drunk and, instead of water, I drink vodka. But really think about it. Who drinks water anymore? It’s either beer or vodka. Third, I am 50 years old. Also I’ve had five wives and I’m obese. Oh and lastly, I smoke a lot.
My wife tells me to eat healthier so I don’t get sick. I don’t get sick so I guess I eat healthy. I eat McDonald’s and Burger King. If my wife makes me eat healthy then I eat corn with a lot of salt (otherwise it’s not OK) or I eat a rainbow bagel with loads of nutella (no lots of nutella, not good).
May something, 2075
It’s morning and my wife gave me some yogurt with honey. I was like, “Who eats that?” So instead, I took fruit loops and chocolate milk. Unfortunately, she caught me and threw it away. I started screaming like a maniac because that was the last bowl of fruit loops left. I took the honnynut cereal off the shelf and poured it into the salad bowl which is used for cereal not salad because salad is unhealthy, I think. Please tell me I’m right.
Anyway, my wife said we have to go outside to breath some “fresh” air. Ugh. So, I decided that I’d go to the deli and buy myself some airheads. At least I’m walking a bit. I got there and guess what happened. They were sold out. You’re asking why. Well, I bought them all yesterday. But then I looked to the side and guess what I saw. Cheetos. My friend Jimmy loves them so I’m gonna try it. BRB.
June something, 2075
I’m back at home watching tv and writing in this stupid thing, and guess what’s for dinner. My favorite, not. A burger with lettuce and tomato. Why eat that when you could get a Big Mac at McDonalds for a buck or a really juicy burger from Burger King. That would be much better than whatever burger that cost $18.99.
In case you were wondering, I work at the worst place ever. A buffet with, you guessed it, salads and omelets and, the worst of all, salads. Wait, did I already say that? I think I did. Right. Or did I just think it? You know that feeling when you think you say something and you’re not sure if you actually did? Or did you? Because you could have just thought it or said it. Y’know.
Anyway, so about my job. Well, it sucks. I could’ve gotten a better job and I’d rather get assassinated. I stand at the register being like, “Hey, want to sit at this buffet that is so disgusting you will get food poisining.” It’s more than a nightmare.
June something, 2075
I’m going to the gym to get some exercise. And I think that what I’m doing right now is really smart because I always see these ads on youtube that are explaining that to stay healthy, you need to exercise. So I’m gonna try it. My wife was proud and I don’t care. I’m there and I see all these weird things that somehow help you stay healthy. There is the conveyer belt thingy that I see a lot in the buffet stocking area. It brings the food and tins to the kitchen to wash. I wonder what you do with it. I’m going to the info desk to check what it’s for.
So I asked this man what the stuff is for and he started out like this:“I see you’re new here.”
How does he know that I’m new? I never even met him before. He was the skinniest person I ever saw in my life and he is a stalker. I’m gonna call him Stalker Dude. Why not? I mean, he is a stalker. I wonder what being a stalker is like. You get to spy on people. Oh, and in case you’re wondering I’m writing in a really uncomfortable position. I’m on the treadmill (I figured out what it was called) rolling off over and over again. It’s annoying.
Next, I went to the peloton (I only know what that is called from youtube). That stalker dude came and told me how to use it. So I’m sitting on it and it was supposed to help me burn calories, but I don’t think that it’s working really well. Lastly, I went to the dumbbells and I have no idea how those stick men lift them. Stalker Dude came and told me how to use it like I have no idea how. Ill need to put this diary down and lift some stuff.
So, now I’m in an ambulance. You’re asking why. Well, I dropped the dumbbell on my ribcage and I broke it. It was 50 lbs. I have to rest now so I’m gonna write tomorrow.
June something, 2075
I forgot to tell my boss that I’m in the hospital so he called me and threatened that if I don’t come to work then he will rob me and take away Youtube premium. I was raging. No, he is not taking away Youtube premium from me. Youtube is also a part of my life. I cannot live without Youtube and especially not Youtube premium. My rage though. I was just furious. Even all the people that needed surgery who got put to sleep woke up. I was also supposed to be sleeping, but who cares. The doctor said I’ll have to be in the hospital for another month or so, until my rib cage heals, but they said that I have to rest if I want it healed. I guess I do. I mean, who wants to spend a year in bed doing nothing, but sleeping with a bunch of almost dead people?
June something, 2075
So the doctor checked in with me and said my treatment wasn’t working. That sucks. And you know why it didn’t work? Because I was watching youtube to spend my last hours of happiness on Youtube premium. I told my doctor what my boss said and you know what he said? Good for you. Who says that? He’s lame. I’m gonna call him Lame Dude. So, Lame Dude came in and told me to breathe deeply. I don’t know why though. He said it was because he needs to see if my heart is working properly. I was thinking about that and it came to me that what he said meant I could die. And when you die, no Youtube premium! So, I guess this is my life now (that is soon ending).
I don’t know what to do now because, unfortunately, Lame Dude took away all devices and said, “If you keep watching Youtube or playing video games then you might die.” That made me scared so it was the first time in my life that I let someone take away my devices. But still, I’m not so sure I can trust lame dude because he’s lame!! Lol.
June 6, 2075
Lame dude came in and told me that he will start the surgery. I was surprised. He never told me about a surgery. Just then, he pushed something into my leg and I fell asleep. No idea how it happened, but it did. So guess what. Now I need surgery and Lame Dude put me to sleep in like a second. Sounds weird, don’t you think? Ok, now I’m struggling and suffering. I will end now. I will not be writing until, like, next month. Going to the gym was a very bad idea. Very bad idea.
I am out of the hospital! In case you want to know, it’s been a month since I wrote here. I actually thought of giving up, but nope. My wife forced me to keep going and this time, no exceptions. Ugh. Why does my life suck?
June 27, 2075
It’s the next day and now I’m getting really frustrated. I forgot to give my boss a note about why I was away and he didn’t believe me when I said my story. He said I was a liar and by liar I mean big fat liar. That’s supposed to be quoted but who has time for quotation marks and grammar? Grammar is stupid. It just takes up a lot of time and even if you don’t use it everyone can understand you. For example, if you text someone R U OK, they will understand it. Anyway, I am going to work now and I have to stop, bye!
June something, 2075
When I came in, I noticed that the register was covered in tomato sauce. I checked inside and there was no money! Just then, my boss came in and noticed me with the register open and then he barked, What are you doing with our money!!! This is unexceptable!!! Again I do not care about quotes.
So, if you are reading this, which you shouldn’t, don’t comment on any mistakes I make. It’s already a pain in the butt to just write this.
I told my boss that I was just waiting for the first customer to come when I realized that the money was gone. He didn’t believe me so he told me he would go to my house and search all of it for the money. One thing I can say is he’s a dum dum.
In the meantime, I will just serve the customers that come and pretend like nothing happened. I feel bad for them. The only problem for my boss is that he doesn’t know where I live and I live all the way in the Bronx and the buffet is in Brighton beach. I really don’t know how I get here every week day.
Anyway, the buffet isn’t so popular so I had to wait a whole hour for the first customer of the day to come. It was already 12 pm. We open at 10. Something that is really weird about this buffet is that we pre-set everything the night before so we won’t have to do it in the morning And because it also is supposed to save time. Heh, like we need to save time.
June something, 2075
So the first customer came and I gave them a table to sit at. They were mad because I gave them the table near the bathroom when everything else was free. I can see that on their faces that they were mad. We don’t have enough money to buy a janitor so the bathrooms stink. I’d rather go to McDonalds to go to the bathroom.
So anyway, the customers went up to get their plates and to get the food. We have a chef that makes custom food and everyone goes up to him. The customers noticed that and quickly ran up to him and asked for something. Don’t ask me what because I don’t know what they asked for. So the chef started working and gave me a wink. You are asking why. Well, you shouldn’t even be asking this question because you shouldn’t be even looking at this diary! I mean I don’t even care. Not like my personal stuff is in here, but still close this right now. Or, if you are snoopy, don’t and keep reading. If you are still reading this then it is obvious that means that you are snoopy and guess what? I don’t care.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh right! The chef giving me a wink and you asking why. Well, we were childhood friends and we were trouble. What I mean by trouble is big trouble. We were pranksters. I remember when we were 5 (or was it 6? Or 10? I don’t know) we put dead rats in the jars of candy at his grandmother’s house. It was a great experience to see her faint. I know what you are thinking. Why is there so much dark humor? Well, again, you shouldn’t be thinking that because you shouldn’t have read what I wrote before. Again, not like I wrote anything personal here but still! So I’m guessing that he is pulling another one of his chef pranks like putting sugar instead of salt on sushi. The customers are heading to their seats to wait for the food when the second customer comes in. I give them the table closest to the second bathroom. The second bathroom is even more stinky because everyone forgets about it. About two people enter it each day. The other bathroom however, I don’t even know.
I started spying on the first customers again. The first bite of the meal and the ladies tongue stuck out. The food was gross. I quickly went over to the chef to see what he did.
What did you do?
Again I have no time for quotes. Anyway, he said that the woman of the couple ordered bread. Turns out that the chef had used his last batch of ground up cricket flour and made it into cricket bread. Then the man of the couple ordered chocolate chip cookies and the chef made chocolate chirp cookies which have crickets in them. He made the crickets not visible in the cookie so when you took a bite there were crickets inside. Their butts were sticking out and eventually into your mouth. Unless you aren’t respectful to bugs and don’t get how nutritious they are and decide that you are not eating them.
Anyway, I see that the second set of customers are going up to get cole slaw. I mean, why cole slaw? Why? It is like the most expensive item on the menu. The coleslaw is supposed to have fresh grown cabbage that is not organic. We have a garden, but nobody ever goes in because it is filled with clouds of pesticides. Ya, the gardener quit his job. Hm, that gets me thinking. I can quit this job, but then what if I don’t get another job and I’ll be homeless? And I won’t be able to pay for… Youtube Premium!!! You know what? I’m better with sticking to this job before deciding to quit. Especially because I’m getting a dog soon. It will be the biggest moment in my life. Only maybe after when I divorced my least favorite wife, which is my fourth! She was the meanest person on Earth!!! She made me eat salad! Like, why salad?! I can’t even hear the word salad, it sounds so gross!!! OK let’s change the subject. Nevermind, next customer.
I gave these customers a seat right next to the corner where everyone pukes because our food is so gross. It always stinks there and there are stains on the floor. I had to go to the bathroom so I went across the street to McDonald’s. Such a disappointment when you work in the worst restaurant and then across the street you look over and you see the best restaurant. The fourth customer came in and this time they were single. It was a woman that had long black hair. She had a dog at her side. I ran up and started petting it. I think it was a siberian husky puppy. It was jumping on me just like any playful puppy would, when I noticed that the puppy was in here because the person wanted to eat, not because the puppy wanted to see me. Again, I feel like I’m starting to go through a phase of depression. I’m going to start looking for a better job. The job I’m looking for is a job that I will get tons of money from. I want to get a job that is not torture like this one. Hopefully, one day that will happen. Anyway, I need to give the customer a seat. I gave her the seat next to the custom food chef. Lol. I don’t feel like writing anymore so I’m going to just end it here. See you tomorrow, Diary. Or should I say stupid Diary.
something 4th, 2026
It is another day of work and I am not happy. It is Tuesday, which is my least favorite day of the week. That is the day when the restaurant is empty and I don’t get paid as much. So I guess I can come a bit late. I am right now getting off the stop on the train and now walking down the block. I see a group of people standing behind a couple and then they are standing behind someone. The only problem was that they were angry. Their eyebrows were pointed down and according to a Youtube video I watched, scrunched eyebrows meant anger. I didn’t know why, so I went up to the entrance of the restaurant when I saw the customers waiting in line to go in. Uuuh. This was strange. Whatever. I opened the restaurant up and all the tables were filled.
That is when the last customer told me in an angry voice, “Great way to start off a holiday.” I guess he was being sarcastic but wait, what holiday? I asked him and he told me and said that it was the 4th of July. I almost started crying. 4th of July is my favorite holiday of the year and I missed it all. I didn’t even check the date.
Like I even ever check the date. About twenty people everyday ask me the date and I’m like, “How would I know?” It’s very annoying. I can’t even imagine those poor kids having to put the date on every little thing of school work. Now, I’m too scared that the customers are going to leave because of the bad service and writing isn’t really going to help with this so ya, bye.
July something, 2075
So it is the next day and I am taking a day off from work. Work has been really tiring the last few days, so I’m staying home and relaxing, aka watching Youtube and eating Pringles on the couch. I always take a day off of work because once a week my boss goes to a place with no reception so he can’t tell me to go to work or whatever. That day is usually on Wednesdays, like today. But what is funny is that he pays me the same amount as the workers that work there for six days a week. Lol. Wait, I have a call from someone, just a sec. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I am dead!
The call was from my boss. He had called telling me that he was mad that I wasn’t at work! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I thought that he was in a place with no reception. He wasn’t! He was in the building where the restaurant is and he noticed that I wasn’t there. I am doomed. He knows where I was all these weeks because he secretly installed an app on my phone that let him see where I was the whole time. I know this because I was looking frantically on my phone for something and I came across a calculator app. Um, why is there a calculator app on my phone? I thought I got rid of math from my life. I opened the app and it wasn’t a calculator (thank god), but as I guessed it was a tracker. My boss was tracking me since the hospital. How did he download it though? I’m not even going to answer that. I’m just going to delete the app and he won’t be able to download it again because my phone is going to be on me the whole time. I’m still not going to work. I’m just going to pretend that I’m sick and tell my boss that. One second. I don’t want to write anymore. I’m depressed again. Maybe I can get away with not writing anymore for a bit. I want to go to the hospital again so I won’t have to go to work or write in this diary again. But the only problem is that I won’t have any Youtube videos to watch because of what my doctor said last time I broke my rib cage. I really want some type of excuse so I can get out of the stupid Earth and into my world, which is a place where everyone agrees with me and there is only the food I like to eat. A world where I can do whatever and won’t have to pay for anything. I will have Youtube Premium for free!!!! That would be great. Ok, so this is getting boring to write now so ya, bye.
July something, 2075
Now Thursday. I really don’t like Thursdays. Well, to be honest, I don’t like any days of the week except Saturdays and Sundays. All the days at work are boring. It really is time to get a better job. Well, not necessarily a more money job, but a job that is more fun than the trash place where I work at. It literally smells like animal poop. Well, at least I think it does. I don’t really know how animal poop smells. Like, I just think that it smells like someone’s poop that ate beans in their last meal. Hopefully, my prediction is correct. Well, I don’t want it to be correct because if animal poop smells like that then that is just disgusting. This topic is very disturbing and makes me cringe just thinking about it. I’m just really tired of this job now. I’m going across the street to use the bathroom and eat some lunch. If you are wondering, across the street means McDonald’s. I’m going to ask if they have any free spots to work there. Be right back.
Ok, so I’m back and good news! Finally something good! I am going to work at McDonald’s now! I am really happy because I actually get to work in a place where life would be good. I get good food and a clean bathroom. I really hope that I will get enough money from this. I will go to my boss and quit now. I hope that my friend won’t care that I have left him at hell. I will text my boss saying that I quit and I will start working at my second favorite restaurant ever. In case you were wondering, my favorite is Burger King and my third favorite is Dunkin Donuts. Is Dunkin Donuts even a restaurant? If not, then KFC is my third favorite. I’m really tired now so I’m going to stop writing.
July something, 2075
I am now writing this because I am going to try the gym again. My wife is proud of me that I tried again. My goal this time is to get a concussion.
So, I am on the way there. I am hoping that the stalker dude won’t be there. Ok, so I am entering the doors to the gym and there is a different person at the help center. He asks if I need any help. I ask him why would I need any help and he says because I look new. I tell him that I am not new. Then, I start to get annoyed because both help people thought I was new at the gym. Ok, maybe the first was right, but still! I am going to lift a one-pound weight and hope that that won’t break my rib cage. Ok, that was pretty light and now I don’t know how that helps with losing your weight. Now I’m going to the peloton. The peloton is actually pretty fun. I was on it for about twenty minutes. Then I went to the treadmill. I put it on one mile an hour. It isn’t really going so fast but I like it. It reminds me of one of those slides that I used to use when I was a boy. I still don’t get how this lets you lose weight. I am just sliding off the platform. This is boring. Anyway, I’m going to come back here later to go on the peloton more. I’m going to go get some lunch at Burger King and then go to my favorite candy shop, Candytopia, to get some Nerds. I am on the walk there and at a crosswalk, so I should stop writing for now.
Okay, so that was a successful cross. Anyway, I am almost at Burger King so now I am thinking of what to get. I do want a big burger with cheese, bacon, and french fries. That is my usual order though. Then, I will take a large Fanta out of the fridge. I went to my usual table right near the kitchen so I can smell all the good stuff being cooked. The cashier called my name and I went up to get my food. I sat down at the table and began to eat. I don’t want to keep writing while I eat, so I will come back later.
I had my usual order and it was delicious. It was all juicy and chewy, my favorite consistency of a burger. The drink was really fizzy and sweet. I love when my soda tastes like that. I mean, it kind of always tastes like that, so there is nothing special about it. But you know, whatever. I am heading out to go back to the gym. I want to go on the peloton more. It feels relaxing. I don’t really remember where the gym is though. Is it to the right or left? Maybe it’s to the front? I don’t know, but I’m going to figure it out. I might have gone into the subway before and I think that that is right, but you know, it could not be. I am around 70% sure that I went to the subway to the gym. I am going to take the 7 train and hope that the train will take me there. I am not going to write in the subway because it is embarrassing, so I will come back later.
I am out of the train and looking around. I have never been here before. I don’t think that this is where the gym is because apparently this place I am in now is called Williamsburg. That is a strange name for a neighborhood. Is it named after a person named William that ate a burger here? I don’t know and I don’t care. I am going back to the subway to go back to where I was. Let’s see, I went in the L train and got off at the last stop which was… I don’t know. Somehow, from there I need to get back to Burger King and from Burger King somehow get to the gym. I am going to stop writing because I am going to be in the subway now. When I come out, I will write again.
Okay, so now I am out of the subway and writing again. I am so confused now. I don’t see any Burger King or gym. This is really weird. I thought that I got off at the right stop. I know I did. I remember this station and I know for sure that I got off here. Did I go straight to here? I think I did, so let’s try to get there. Ok, so now I am walking to who knows where and hopefully getting to Burger Ling. Now that I think about it, saying and writing Burger Ling so many times makes me hungry again. I need my order. I’m craving it right now. I need my large fries and double burger with bacon and cheese. Wait, I just remembered! I wanted to go to Candytopia! How did I not remember this? I am going to get another order from Burger King and then go to Candytopia to get some Nerds. Why are they called Nerds? You know what? I do not care what they are called and I never will. But something I do care about is how good Nerds are. They are really good and come in many different flavours. I can write you a ten page essay on why they are good, but guess what? Yay! You are correct! I will not write an essay because I need to get my food. I am dying from hunger and nobody can stop me. I need to get to Burger King and eat my usual order!!! It is the only thing that will make me live a good life, even though my life is already bad. Wait, is this what I’m seeing? It’s the gym! Why haven’t I seen this before? I am really pissed off right now. I walked right past it on the way to the subway! You know? I really don’t care about anything right now. I want to go eat!!! Has anyone died from being hungry? I think so. So, where is Burger King?! I thought that it was supposed to be right here. Why is there a sign on the door? You know what? I’m not even gonna try to read it. The lettering is too small, anyway. I am going into Burger King and getting my usual order. The door is locked!!! What is wrong with this place? How can they be closed at a time like this? It is literally 7pm! Oh, um. That took me a long time to get back. Well, looks like I am going home!
July something, 2075
So I am back! Yay! No! Hmph. I am going to try to go to the gym and actually get on the peloton again. Hopefully, it’s not very crowded. Pelatons are usually everyone’s favorite thing, which kinda sucks. I am headed to the gym and a second ago I realized I can use Google Maps to help me get there. I am so dumb. Actually, I am the smartest. Only that incident was dumb. I mean, that incident was not dumb. It was just incorrect. Whatever. I am following the GPS and it says that I should be at the gym in a minute, which I am partially happy about. I am happy that I will get in the peloton, but I am not happy about being at the gym in general. I’d rather go get nerds. Wait, I just forgot, I was gonna go to the candy shop. I’m going to go there now and go to the gym later. I search up the candy shop on Google Maps and start walking. It isn’t too far away. It took me a half an hour to get there! Whatever. OK, I will go to the 5th aisle. Wait no, 1st aisle, no, 3rd aisle. Wait no, the Nerds are in the 6th aisle. Ok, I’m starting to get dizzy from all that walking and looking at candy.
I’m breathing hard. I don’t think I have asthma. Or do I? Whatever. I’m walking through the aisles to see if there are any new flavours of Nerds. Everything is the same. I am just walking, getting five packs of each flavour, but still no new OMG, there is a new flavour!! Not of Nerds though. It’s a new flavour of Hershey chocolate. Hershey chocolate is my 3rd favorite candy. After Nerds and Airheads. Anyway. Is it annoying I keep saying anyway? If it is I‘m sorry, but I don’t care so, ya know, deal with it. I don’t even want to write in this so don’t give me a hard time. Anyway, I bought my stuff and went to the gym. On the way there, I was eating my candy. It was a great taste. I got all the flavours of Nerds, all flavours of Airheads, wait—I didn’t even eat the Airheads I bought at the deli before. Whatever. Now for the new flavour of Hershey. Why is there no taste? I thought it was supposed to be a really good flavour. Let me guess, they made so many flavours they decided to make it flavourless. I hope not. Ok, what!? The packaging says extra sweet with enriched flavour!!! Those pathological liars!! I’ll eat the Airheads now because the Hershey bar ruined my day. Finally something actually good!
Wait a second, this has no taste too!!! What is up with this candy? I am going home!!! I got home faster than I thought I would, probably because I was running. It is hard for me to breathe and my wife is concerned. I don’t see why though. We are on the way to the hospital now. Ugh, it’s taking so long and I don’t even need to go there. I am fine. Anyway, I will stop writing because I am literally raging again.
Ok so, we just got to the doctors in the hospital and now I am being tested for this disease that apparently killed a lot of people in 2020. It was a global pandemic. Now, don’t ask me what that means because I don’t know. Anyway I feel weaker right now so I will stop writing and update you tomorrow.
August 2nd, 2075
Anyway, now I am in the hospital diagnosed with something called corona. My doctor said there is a low chance that I will survive. Well, it’s not like I care. At least my eight sons will think the same. My wife took pity on me and said that this could be my last diary entry and I should spend my last few months well. I am surprisingly not sad because I do get to spend my last few months of life watching Youtube and stuff. They tried to give me medicine, but it didn’t work. Anyway, I guess all I can say is bye. So, bye, hope you all are not like me and make sure to not get uh, what’s it called? Something with a c. Co, co—oh ya, Corona.