JIMMY and BILL are walking on a New York City street together.
BILL
So, Grandson, you want to become a successful businessman, you say? Well, I’ve got a few tips and tricks for you!
JIMMY
I’m listening.
BILL
First off, when your boss asks for a plain hot dog, always get him a plain hot dog. If you get him any condiments, he’ll kill you.
JIMMY
Does that have anything to do with actual business?
BILL
Of course it does! Real business doesn’t mean numbers and paperwork! It’s about getting your boss the right dog! That’s how I got to be a businessman!
JIMMY
Did you actually move from the level you started at? Did your paycheck change at all?
BILL
Of course it did! When I retired, I was earning fifty fewer dollars a week than when I started!
JIMMY
Oookkkaaaayy. That’s one way to view it.
BILL
Anyways, let’s move on. Another trick to move you up the ladder of business is to always make sure there are missed calls on your phone. It makes you look important. The trick to that is you call yourself a bunch of times on your iPhone from the stall. It worked so well! Everyone thought I had stomach problems when I got back twenty minutes later!
JIMMY
I don’t exactly get what this has to do with becoming a well-known businessman…
BILL
Well that, my son, is because you are not experienced! When you grow up, you will understand the stress of stomach problems!
JIMMY
That’s not what I don’t understand. I don’t understand how missed calls make you look important. It just makes you look unresponsive.
BILL
Forget it.
JIMMY
Thank god.
BILL
One of my most useful tricks in being a successful businessman is to always be drinking coffee. If you have coffee, it makes you look like you stayed up late to do work. But really, all it did was keep me up late! I got to watch more of The Brady Bunch! Who’s your favorite character? Mine’s Cindy. She’s soooooo pretty!
JIMMY
I don’t get why any of what you said has anything to do with becoming a good businessman. Marcia’s the cute one.
BILL
No way. She dates ugly guys. Cindy’s really mature.
JIMMY
She still likes dolls! Do you call that mature?
BILL
I still play with dolls! And I’m mature!
JIMMY
I’d debate that. Anyways, let’s get back on track. Why exactly does drinking coffee help you become a successful businessman?
BILL
Well, let’s face it. I didn’t see any of my colleagues, like Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos, drinking coffee. And look where they wound up.
JIMMY
Um, Grandpa, Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos are two of the richest and most successful people in the world. And why didn’t you tell me that you worked with them? I should’ve asked them for advice instead of you!
JIMMY starts typing on his phone.
BILL
Are you kidding me? I have just gave you the greatest advice in the history of business! Bill and John don’t like Marcia! And trust me, I asked them!
JIMMY
Sorry, say that again? I was busy scheduling lunch with Gates and breakfast with Bezos the next day.
BILL
You don’t need any more tips, you just got the greatest advice ever! How many times do I have to say it!
JIMMY
To be honest, I haven’t really gotten any useful tips from you today. I’d rather take tips from the internet than from you, and I never listen to the internet. No offense.
BILL starts tearing up.
BILL
No, no, I understand.
(Snuffle)
You don’t listen to people who play with dolls. But listen. I went to Bill Gates’ house one day when we were friends, and he had a whole dollhouse. But I know, the internet doesn’t play with dolls.
JIMMY
No, no, that’s not what I meant.
(Puts arm around BILL.)
I just meant that you’re not the best advice person. I admire that you play with dolls. To be honest, I have the whole Barbie set at home.
BILL
You do? That makes me feel a whole lot better.
BILL hugs JIMMY.
The scene quickly changes to an apartment. BILL and JIMMY are playing with dolls. They have their arms around each other.
Blackout.