Tips to Business

by Henry Dahl
Tips to Business Henry is an 11-year-old boy. He enjoys writing fantasy and loves the Harry Potter series. In his free time, he loves watching TV and playing video games. When he grows up, he would like to play professional sports. If that doesn’t work out, he would like to be involved in movie production or be a sports journalist. This was written in Henry’s first year at Writopia.

“Another trick to move you up the ladder of business is to always make sure there are missed calls on your phone. It makes you look important. The trick to that is you call yourself a bunch of times on your iPhone from the stall. It worked so well! Everyone thought I had stomach problems when I got back twenty minutes later!”

    

JIMMY and BILL are walking on a New York City street together.

 

BILL

So, Grandson, you want to become a successful businessman, you say? Well, I’ve got a few tips and tricks for you!

 

JIMMY

I’m listening.

 

BILL

First off, when your boss asks for a plain hot dog, always get him a plain hot dog. If you get him any condiments, he’ll kill you.

 

JIMMY

Does that have anything to do with actual business?

 

BILL

Of course it does! Real business doesn’t mean numbers and paperwork! It’s about getting your boss the right dog! That’s how I got to be a businessman!

 

JIMMY

Did you actually move from the level you started at? Did your paycheck change at all?

 

BILL

Of course it did! When I retired, I was earning fifty fewer dollars a week than when I started!

 

JIMMY

Oookkkaaaayy. That’s one way to view it.

 

BILL

Anyways, let’s move on. Another trick to move you up the ladder of business is to always make sure there are missed calls on your phone. It makes you look important. The trick to that is you call yourself a bunch of times on your iPhone from the stall. It worked so well! Everyone thought I had stomach problems when I got back twenty minutes later!

 

JIMMY

I don’t exactly get what this has to do with becoming a well-known businessman…

 

BILL

Well that, my son, is because you are not experienced! When you grow up, you will understand the stress of stomach problems!

 

JIMMY

That’s not what I don’t understand. I don’t understand how missed calls make you look important. It just makes you look unresponsive.

 

BILL

Forget it.

 

JIMMY

Thank god.

 

BILL

One of my most useful tricks in being a successful businessman is to always be drinking coffee. If you have coffee, it makes you look like you stayed up late to do work. But really, all it did was keep me up late! I got to watch more of The Brady Bunch! Who’s your favorite character? Mine’s Cindy. She’s soooooo pretty!

 

JIMMY

I don’t get why any of what you said has anything to do with becoming a good businessman. Marcia’s the cute one.

 

BILL

No way. She dates ugly guys. Cindy’s really mature.

 

JIMMY

She still likes dolls! Do you call that mature?

 

BILL

I still play with dolls! And I’m mature!

 

JIMMY

I’d debate that. Anyways, let’s get back on track. Why exactly does drinking coffee help you become a successful businessman?

 

BILL

Well, let’s face it. I didn’t see any of my colleagues, like Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos, drinking coffee. And look where they wound up.

 

JIMMY

Um, Grandpa, Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos are two of the richest and most successful people in the world. And why didn’t you tell me that you worked with them? I should’ve asked them for advice instead of you!

 

JIMMY starts typing on his phone.

 

BILL

Are you kidding me? I have just gave you the greatest advice in the history of business! Bill and John don’t like Marcia! And trust me, I asked them!

 

JIMMY

Sorry, say that again? I was busy scheduling lunch with Gates and breakfast with Bezos the next day.

 

BILL

You don’t need any more tips, you just got the greatest advice ever! How many times do I have to say it!

 

JIMMY

To be honest, I haven’t really gotten any useful tips from you today. I’d rather take tips from the internet than from you, and I never listen to the internet. No offense.

 

BILL starts tearing up.

 

BILL

No, no, I understand.

(Snuffle)

You don’t listen to people who play with dolls. But listen. I went to Bill Gates’ house one day when we were friends, and he had a whole dollhouse. But I know, the internet doesn’t play with dolls.

 

JIMMY

No, no, that’s not what I meant.

(Puts arm around BILL.)

I just meant that you’re not the best advice person. I admire that you play with dolls. To be honest, I have the whole Barbie set at home.

 

BILL

You do? That makes me feel a whole lot better.

 

BILL hugs JIMMY.

 

The scene quickly changes to an apartment. BILL and JIMMY are playing with dolls. They have their arms around each other.

 

Blackout.

 

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