“Once there was this pig named Kograt. He was 1,000 years old and very young for a pig.”
Once there was this pig named Kograt. He was 1,000 years old and very young for a pig.
One day, Kograt felt ill. He thought, Is it the potato smashed with tomatoes or the hay smushed with onions? Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and the illness still didn’t get better!
One winter morning, Kograt found himself farting ice cream!
So immediately he yelled, “Author!!!”
And a pig dressed as a doctor came running, “What is it this time?” the pig doctor named Author asked.
“I’m farting out ice cream!” Korgat sang in an opera voice.
“You’ll be fine. It’s just a sign that you’re becoming a computer!” Author said in a calming voice. (That, my friends, was totally not true. I don’t want to spoil the story for you, so just saying!)
“Lskdjf lkjoijehoiuk jslkdjf iw jlsejf sdlkfj dijweoifjio jwijfihrglkjdhfglksjdfhglsjfdh bla bla boiufijfjjd lba lb bla bla b6la,” Author said.
While Author was babbling on about scientific stuff, Kograt slowly dozed off and suddenly woke up, and he felt he was sinking in his bed of hay. And he dropped down a portal that led him inside a toilet. Since he was a weird pig, he had taco wings. So he used them to fly around the toilet and then after a few laps, the taco wings got smelly and just broke off. Now the pig had nothing to do, so he searched around the toilet and found a computer.
And he said, “Hi, my future self. You do know that I am going to be a computer someday, right?”
But the computer just answered him back with a funny cat video.
Sixteen hours later…
Kograt had nothing to do, so he just wandered around the whole time. Suddenly a snake appeared in the bathroom and ate him. And he turned into an owl. He didn’t know he turned into an owl at all, because he was dumb. In the snake’s belly, all he found was dust. So he tried eating the dust, but that didn’t turn out so well because the dust had poisonous snake venom. It was the exact type that will turn any owl into a pig, then a rabbit, then a sofa, then a tissue box, then a pig again, then a rabbit, then a sofa, then a tissue box, then a pig, then a rabbit, then a sofa, then a tissue box over and over again… so… Kograt changed back into a pig. Then changed into a rabbit. Then changed into a sofa. Then changed into a tissue box. And finally, after many, many, many changes, he finally changed back into a pig, then stopped.
But Kograt wasn’t the only one having a bad day. (Well, it wasn’t bad for Korgat since he was dumb). The snake was having a bad day too, a bad flu day. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and the snake’s flu still didn’t recover.
One autumn afternoon, the snake started farting books.
So he immediately called out, “Gunther!”
And a snake dressed as a doctor came slithering. “What is it this time?” Gunther asked.
“I’m farting out books!” the snake howled.
“You’ll be fine. It’s just a sign that you’re going to puke out a pig,” Gunther said calmly.
That, my friends, was true. After eating a lot of medicine, the snake finally puked out Kograt. Since Kograt was free, the snake was hungry. So the snake ate Kograt again. And the same thing happened over and over and over again.
First, the snake felt sick.
Then, he called out, “Gunther!”
Then, he ate medicine. Then, he puked out Kograt. Then, he ate Kograt again and on and on and on!
Finally, Kograt escaped and then went and tried to get out of the toilet. But then he found an X-ray, and he tried it on himself. And he found out that all this chaos happened because he ate hay smushed with onions, plus tomatoes smashed with potatoes together (which gives all pigs constipation).
Being in and out and in and out of the snake’s belly made him smarter, so he put his taco wings back on, since the smell had drained away, and sang, “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” in an opera voice as fast as he can.
And so that made his taco wings charge up and out of the toilet.
But suddenly, a dark shadow appeared behind him, and there was a Frankenstein. Not like other pigs, Kograt was really fond of Frankenstein! He even read all Frankenstein’s comics! So, Kograt climbed on his back and pulled off his head and used Frankenstein’s mouth to shrink Frankenstein’s head to keep as a souvenir. That, Frankenstein found really interesting — that his mouth was a shrinking machine and that he could still see even though his head had been pulled off by a pig to keep as a souvenir.
Kograt suddenly felt his taco wings droop down slowly…
Korgat was falling backwards down a 100,000,000,000,000 foot toilet! Then Kograt woke up, his heart still racing, and realized it was a dream! Relieved, Korgat felt something bumpy underneath him, and he looked, and it was a teeny tiny Frankenstein head…