“That morning, I got up early. I was ready to fight back. I knew the minute Joseph wakes up, he heads straight to a fridge to help himself to a beer. So I decided to pour oil right in front of the fridge.”
It all started with my parents’ umpteenth wedding. Yup. My parents have been divorced more times than I can count. They do all of the divorce papers and everything, and then, about two weeks later, they both feel lonely and get back together again.
At first, I got sad when they get divorced. But now it’s just normal. Yesterday, they got divorced. I happened to have my best friend over, Jonny. So when he heard them saying they were getting a divorce, he looked at me with that I’m-so-sorry face. But I said I didn’t care and it was totally fine.
Back to the wedding. I think this is their 100th wedding, so they made a big deal about it and invited everybody they knew. My mom started to get really anxious, as if she had never been married before, and started ordering me around.
We live in the suburbs of Chicago. I think it’s really boring, but my parents love it. My name is Jones. My mom, Josephine, got divorced with my father for the first time when she went into labor with me. I have brown hair, some freckles, and am five feet tall. I am 11 years old. My dad, Jack, looks exactly like me, except he’s six foot eight.
“Help Aunt Jo Jo in, okay, Jones?” my mom asked me.
Right then my world started ending. Let me tell you that she is not old, and that I don’t need to help her because she is frail. I have to help her by moving things away from the entrance, because she is too fat to fit in. So when I got down, things got embarrassing. It started like this.
“Aw, look at my baby boy! For some reason, you seem smaller!” she bellowed.
Actually, she probably just got bigger.
She then ran to me to hug me. I swear, I could see my life flash before my eyes. She basically tackled me. I fell to the ground.
I stood up, and asked, “Can you maybe be a little less rough?”
“Oh, of course, baby boy!”
So then it was sort of a real hug. It must have looked pretty weird because I was about as big as her finger, and I’m tall for my age.
“Now, be a good boy and remove all the flower pots and anything in my way so I can budge through the door.”
“Yes, Aunt Jo Jo.”
Well, it took, like, 20 minutes to get her in. But besides that, the wedding was good. People were a little cramped, because Aunt Jo Jo took up about twenty seats, but it was mostly okay. Until the vows. Here’s what happened:
The minister said, “Now it’s time for the vows.”
My father said,“Oh, we can skip that. We have done this tons of times, and it doesn’t really matter anymore.”
My mom said, “What do you mean? Is this just an excuse, because you forgot to write yours?!”
My dad said, “It doesn’t matter, Josephine! We have done this millions of times!”
My mom said,“You are always like this! Why would I even think of marrying you?”
I’m just gonna skip a lot of the conversation, because it got pretty ugly.
So ten minutes later, my mom and my dad said:
“We’re getting a divorce!!!”
They both stormed off. Wow. They have been divorced many times, but they have never gotten divorced at their wedding! That’s a new record for them.
Nobody in the audience was surprised. They just left. I left too. I wasn’t gonna help Aunt Jo Jo out. Not again.
My parents were divorced for about a week, and I thought it ended when I heard flirting coming from the backyard of my mom’s house. There are around ten houses on my block, and all of the backyards are attached. My dad’s house is actually right next to my mom’s house, so they were probably the ones flirting.
But when I went outside, my dad wasn’t there. My mom was flirting with the village drunk, Joseph. It was pretty hard to believe. Joseph is a heavy drinker, has a beer belly, and owns five mean pitbulls. And his house is the one that my mom says to always keep my distance from. He’s been married, like, five times before, and every one of the girls that he has married were huge and fat. And he is VERY conservative. My mom is a proud liberal. And guess what. My mom seriously just asked him out. Maybe this divorce is serious.
Apparently, the date went well. Joseph drank five beers, and got really drunk. He was polite and let my mom pay for it, and then they both came to my house. I finally got to meet him.
“So, this is the Jones I’ve heard all about, eh?” he said, not soberly. He then said, “You seem like a pretty good guy!”
I got a closer look at him. He looked like he hadn’t shaved in about six years, and there were tons of food scraps in his beard. I did not like him. Not at all.
He helped himself to a beer in the fridge, and then lay down on the couch with his shoes still on.
“I’m gonna teach you a life lesson,” he said. ”Education doesn’t matter. Just play football and get paid millions of dollars, and that’s all you need.”
My mom would usually be super against that, but she tried to ignore it. I saw her face turn red though, like she wanted to punch Joseph.
So this was not good. I need to get him out.
I woke up and went to my secret stash of candy and sweets for breakfast. Without sugar, I cannot stay awake, so I always need sugar at every meal. So, I opened the cabinet, unscrewed the loose screw, and opened the secret door.
But here’s the problem: all of the cakes and candy and food were gone. I glanced over at the couch, where Joseph was sleeping. On his shirt were cake crumbs, and by the side of the couch were candy wrappers.
I started to freak out. I would fall asleep in school, even during gym class, without sugar, I thought. I went to the fridge, and looked for some orange juice. At least that had some sugar in it. But when I looked in the fridge, instead of orange juice, there was a note. Here’s what it said:
Here’s a life lesson. Don’t eat too much sugar. That’s my job. If you are looking for the orange juice, it’s in my stomach and it’s not available. That’s all I have to say.
Wow. He was too drunk to even remember how to write his name.
I searched the whole house, and everything with sugar was gone. I was desperate.
I ran out to the deli, but it was closed, so I was forced to go to school without my morning dose of sugar.
First period, I have gym. We were doing the pacer test, which is basically running from one wall to another, but I was too tired to listen and did the endurance, which is just running. So while everybody was running from one side of the gym to the other side of the gym, I was running in a circle around the gym. The gym teacher shouted at me, and I didn’t hear a word he said.
I finally realized that I was running wrong, so I started the pacer. I ran back and forth about four times, and then I collapsed.
I was fast asleep, so the gym teacher had to carry me to my next class. I slept all the way to the end of lunch. But here’s the worst part. If I had been awake for lunch, I could’ve gotten candy. I missed my chance to not only have sugar, but my chance to eat too! So now, I was an incredibly tired boy, who was also incredibly hungry! I was even more screwed. It was all Joseph’s fault. I need to get him out.
I slept through science, and my classmates were tired of carrying me, so they just left me there. And I slept there until 5:30 p.m. Apparently the teachers had tried, and failed, to wake me up. They were getting pretty desperate, so the custodian punched me really hard in the arm, and I finally woke up. That custodian really can punch! I went home rubbing my arm.
When I got home, my mom was really mad at me for coming home late. I explained everything that had happened that day, and I asked her why Joseph was here and that I hated him. It took her a long time to say something good about him so she could prove me wrong. She ended up saying, “You just have to accept the way he is.”
Wow. We all know that she was dating him to get back at my dad and make him jealous. I went up to my room and went to sleep.
That morning, I got up early. I was ready to fight back. I knew the minute Joseph wakes up, he heads straight to a fridge to help himself to a beer. So I decided to pour oil right in front of the fridge. This was an easy, good solid prank – he would slip and fall on his back.
I waited for him to get up. Sure enough, he went straight to the fridge. But it didn’t work. He walked straight over it. He didn’t slip one bit. That was weird.
I tried again the next day, but with a different prank. I replaced one of the beers with maple syrup and cough medicine. But when he opened the fridge, he accidentally dropped that beer, and he just chose another one. Was he prank resistant?
Another day without sugar –– it didn’t go so well. At least I was going to live in my dad’s house for a week. He’s pro-sugar.
When I got home, something wasn’t right. He’s usually chipper.
“Dad?” I called out.
I heard a groan from his room. I ran up. He was lying in bed, miserable.
“Whats wrong?” I asked
He answered with some more groaning. I saw that the pillow was tear stained. Then I figured out why. He was sad because my mom and Joseph were together. He still loved my mom!
“Is it because of Joseph?” I asked.
“Well, I hate him too. He took all of my sugar!”
My dad sat straight up. He knew that I had to have sugar. He was the same way. “He couldn’t have!”
“He did. You know what, Dad?” I asked him, “We should get him out. Together.”
“How?” he asked.
“I think I have an idea,” I told him
Joseph came home from a long day at the bar. He had to leave because the barkeeper kicked him out for starting a bar fight. He opened the door of his girlfriend’s house and was ready to pass out on the couch. He sat down on the comfy couch and was happy until…
“YAAA!” The couch popped up!
“AHH,” Joseph screamed.
He ran out of the house and sprinted to the bar to get away from the haunted couch.
My dad and I high-fived. He had dressed up in a couch suit, and we waited for Joseph to sit down, after which my dad popped up. We scared the crap out of him!
One of the few things Joseph loved in life (his couch) was taken away from him –– at this house, at least. Maybe he would leave now! He did not really love my mom, I don’t think, he just loved our couch and our food. He didn’t like our couch anymore but maybe he would love….
Joseph finally built up the courage to go back into his girlfriend’s house. He opened the door and found someone sitting on the couch. She took up the whole couch. Her waist was the size of the couch. Trust me, it was an extra large couch too. Her finger was as big as his arm. There were crumbs all over her face and shirt. To Joseph, she was beautiful.
“Hello,” she bellowed. “My name is Jo Jo.”
“Do you like beer?” he asked her.
“Yes,” she answered
“Do you like food?” he asked.
“Hell yeah!” she said.
“Take me with you!” Joseph pleaded. “You’re perfect for me!”
“Okay, honey bun!” she said. She picked him up and squeezed through the door. They ran away together.
And those two lived happily ever after. They were almost the same people! As for Jones….
Both my dad and my mom watched the whole thing. When Jo Jo and Joseph left, both of my parents started kissing.
“That was horrible, Jack! I hated Joseph so much! All he loved me for was my fridge, my couch, and my food!” my mom said between kisses.
“I missed you so much!” my dad said.
“I never want another situation like this again! Let’s never get divorced again!” my mom said.
After that, my parents didn’t get divorced any more. They didn’t want to have such a bad situation again.
We all lived happily ever after. As for Jo Jo and Joseph, they were happy too. Everybody was happier.
I was happier to not be around Joseph. My dad was not miserable anymore. My mom didn’t have to deal with Joseph anymore. We were all happier.
Epilogue –– Ten years later
We were all sad yesterday. We had to attend the funeral of Joseph John.
Yup. Joseph died. At the age of 73. He was drunk and climbed on Jo Jo’s back. She lost balance and fell out the window. Joseph died, but Aunt Jo Jo was saved by her fat belly. She started bouncing when she fell, but she didn’t get hurt. Aunt Jo Jo was very sad that day. They had been perfect together.
The author that inspired me to write this genre was Jeff Kinney, the author of the “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” series. The Genre is Realistic Fiction, but with Comedy in it too. In both my story and his book, Something bad happens to the main character, and they plot many schemes to stop it. None of the schemes work, but in the end, the bad thing goes away and they live happily ever after. Although it is a serious topic, I made it funny, because I like comedy.