The Unfortunate Tale of Mr. Dirk Chepe

by Hannah Hiller, age 11
The Unfortunate Tale of Mr. Dirk Chepe Hannah is an 11 year old New Yorker. She likes cats, books, food and art. This is her second submission to the Parenthetical.

“I’m pretty sure that me and the reader can conclude that the skier Dirk Chepe is a terrible person, and unfortunately, that will not change. Oh well. Not all stories have to have happy endings. And neither does this man.”

PART 1:

Dirk at birth…

What a strange baby he was. Even though he was seconds old back then, he had already sprouted his infamous Trump-like orange hair. And he already had a beard, of all things! The doctors decided to examine him for study briefly. Since the parents did not especially care for him, after what he looked like and how many problems he had caused for his poor mother during the pregnancy, they said okay.

It turned out that Dirk (pronounced like “Dirt”, except with a k at the end, then Chepe pronounced like “chape”) had off the charts testosterone levels, and he needed to be treated immediately. So every single day of his life, he would have to inject a part of his lifetime supply of fluids that the doctors gave him in the first weeks of his life.

Enough of that testosterone stuff. Let’s talk about Dirk’s emotions as a baby. Even then, when he was born, he had severe anger management problems. (Now, he isn’t as mad all the time, since he kills and/or severely injures at least 10 kids a week in his toddler skiing “lessons,” or “massacres,” you can pick which you’d like to call them.) Back then, whenever his parents put broccoli on his plate, or anything he didn’t love, or basically anything that wasn’t applesauce, he would throw a temper tantrum that only his mom could calm down, and even that took at least four hours. But it certainly wasn’t just food. There are too many things that he hated to list here, but here are some of the major things:

  1. Food, of course.
  2. Any moment that his parents weren’t holding him.
  3. When he was trying to sleep without his mama.
  4. When he was trying to say his name but it came out like Dirt! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
  5. When everyone else in the world seemed to be holding back laughter if they weren’t already laughing when they said or saw his name.

There shouldn’t even be military school for two-year olds, but there was. And Dirk was such a bad boy, that tearfully, his parents had to send him there.

 PART 2:

Military School

It was very hard for Dirk to adjust to military school, since he missed his parents so much. But it toughened him up, once he finally acclimatized. However, his parents would have never believed this when they sent their darling Dirk to military school, but military school probably impacted their son to kill young skiers…

At the age of eight, Dirk was a skilled fighter, one of the best in his class. When he was fifteen, he was a tall, lanky, muscular boy who could have been an American Ninja Warrior. He never attended a college of any kind. When he was twenty, he joined the military.

In his teenage years, he was quite popular with the girls. Bethany even married him. Except eventually, she would get into a lethal skiing accident.

A year after joining the military, he made a drastic career change and decided to become a professional skier. He thought this was the best decision he had made in his entire lifetime. Others, especially his future students, some dead, probably didn’t…

 PART 3:

Dirk Chepe, Professional Skier

Dirk made a pretty decent pro skier, at least for the skiing part. He preferred it over other contact sports like football or wrestling, because on a flat ground, his opponent would just fall down. But on a steep, icy, snow-covered black diamond, the opponent(s) would bump down the hill, screaming and falling head over heels. It was even better on moguls! Since he did so much contact, he was sometimes disqualified from competitions for life. He didn’t care unless it was the Olympics, that he cared about. By the end of his skiing career, on much more than one occasion, he pushed many people into the trees, mostly in hit and runs. He loved doing that on moguls especially. It was so delightful to see people bumping and crashing, especially when no one on the course, or anywhere except him knew that it was him, except for him.

Then, he was even more handsome (at least according to the girls he dated) than in his teens. Eventually he had eight wives, excluding Bethany. Here they are.

  1.   Emily married him when he was 21. One day, they were skiing out together. The previous morning, they had a fight about Dirk’s aggressive skiing and Dirk pushed her on the moguls. Emily snapped her neck as Dirk said:
    1. “So now you know what competitive skiing is like now, huh? Hahahaha!”And for the rest of the day, the snow there was stained pink.
  2.   Amelia married him when he was 22. Somehow, the ski lift that she was on didn’t meet current safety standards (it was very old). She fell off the lift and broke all of her ribs, one patella, one humerus, her skull, her lower lumbar, two wrists, two ankles, one radius, seven metatarsals, and 30% of what was still not broken in her body. As you could guess, she died.
  3.   Wendy married him when he was 24. They went to the same mountain where Amelia died. Wendy’s chair lift didn’t meet safety standards either, and when she was supposed to get off at the top of the mountain, the lift sped up to 20 mph. When Wendy tried to get off, she broke all of her ribs. During emergency surgery, she died.
  4.   Audrey married him when he was 25. She needed to tighten her ski boots, but Dirk pushed her down the triple black diamond and she died.
  5.   Margaret married him when he was 26. She said, “I love you Dirk.” Dirk said, “YoU CaLlEd Me DiRt?! HoW DaRe YoU!!!!!!” Dirk punched her in the forehead and Margaret immediately died of brain injury.
  6.   Sophia married him when he was 29. Dirk had no idea she was a terrible skier, so he put Sophia on a slalom course. Sophia went too fast and died.
  7.   Sally married him when he was 33. She was a daredevil, and eventually she did a ski course too difficult…
  8.   Winona married him when he was 34. She was a very cautious skier prone to psyching herself out, however with good skill. But then one day, Dirk forced her to do a double diamond, and she had a panic attack and died.

(Please know that no one wanted to anger a professional skier like Dirk, so not even the owner of whatever mountain the death happened on dared to anger the possibly honorable skier Dirk Chepe. Everyone in the skiing world knew of his aggression, and knew that if they tried to report him, they would be a victim of Dirk’s homicide as well.)

PART 4:

Ski Instructor, Dirk Chepe

At age 42, Dirk retired from being a pro, and sought a job in teaching toddlers how to ski, thinking that maybe, just maybe, toddler screams would be even more appealing to him than grown people’s screams. He easily found a job at Whiteface Mountain, NY. After all, he was over half of his life; he might as well enjoy it every winter day on the mountain. And every summer day? He spends his time at Cerro Chapelco, a ski mountain in Argentina, where summers in the US are winters there, and winters in the US are summers. Sometimes, down in South America, when he feels like it, he plucks llamas off of the hills, strangles them to death, takes them home, butchers them, and eats them for dinner. My ski sketch is a good example of what a ski lesson with Instructor Dirk is like. (Also known as torture and/or a massacre). Dirk’s grand total of injured and/or dead skiers right now is 127,489. (I will update the casualty count every time I visit this doc).

In 2018, Dirk started a ski resort on Annapurna, Nepal in the Himalayas (also known as the deadliest mountain in the world), just so that when he had the time to visit, he would always see people looking like idiots trying to ski down the 26,550 summit and slip on the vertical rock face. Luckily or not, Dirk’s resort still made enough money to pay all of the death expenses, though the brochure that advertised his resort did say that skiers would ski at their own risk, and pay all of the medical bills if necessary (which, if you could not assume, was always necessary). After all, paying the bills WAS why Dirk started his resort. Shh!

So, it looks like we have reached the end of this biography. I’m pretty sure that me and the reader can conclude that the skier Dirk Chepe is a terrible person, and unfortunately, that will not change. Oh well. Not all stories have to have happy endings. And neither does this man.

The End.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.