The Ultimate Handbook of Greek Gods

by Haohan Sima, age 10
The Ultimate Handbook of Greek Gods Haohan Sima's favorite hobbies are reading and writing. He also enjoys playing baseball and swimming. A book he likes is "Wonder" because he likes all the characters and the deep affection!

“Wait… I think at this rate, the story should be called the Ultimate Handbook Criticizing The Greek Gods… and Poseidon is fuming at me writing this, which is happening right now… Wait! No!!! Poseidon!!!”

Chapter One: Zeus

Okay, so, hi! This is Zeus here. But you’re probably wondering why Zeus is being so nice to you. Yeah, because Zeus is usually a big jerk… (Psst.. That’s because this is not Zeus speaking!!) Because his voice is usually —

Hey! Narrator! Stop this craziness!!! I am not a jerk!!!”

Okay, so, to make this chapter a little bit more interesting, let’s play a game of correcting Zeus’s mistakes in his sentences for him.

“Hi! I’m Zeus and I am very nice!” (Fibber.) “I am a very nice person…” (Actually, it’s the other way around: Gimme a J, an E, a R, and a K! What does that spell? JERK!)

 

Chapter Two: Hera

Yeah… I can’t say much different about Zeus’s wife… Hera… She is also a huge jerk. I mean, like, she doesn’t like demigods, and, yeah. Oh. Scroll down.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, what I’m saying about Hera is that the only reason Zeus and Hera are married… is because they are both total jerks. So, here’s this story about how they met. It is probably dependable? (Notice the question mark there.)

“Hi! I’m Hera!”

“Hi! I’m Zeus!”

“Are you a jerk? Like, do you hate demigods?”

“Yeah!”

“Okay then! I’ve got a perfect wedding gift for you! Chopped up hamburger with demigod bite-sized pieces in them! Yum!” (Oh. Didn’t know that Hera was also a cannibal?!)

 

Chapter Three: Poseidon

Well! Finally! At least we’ve gotten to a good god. Well, actually, not really… Literally, he never communicates with his demigod son. What a jerk. Poseidon is like, “Hi! I’m Poseidon!”

“Hi Poseidon, I’m your son.”

“Oh, okay then… since you’re my son, but I don’t really care about demigods… call me a hundred years later…”

Wait… I think at this rate, the story should be called the Ultimate Handbook Criticizing The Greek Gods… and Poseidon is fuming at me writing this, which is happening right now… Wait! No!!! Poseidon!!! I’m not done reporting how you guys are jerks!!!  –static

 

Chapter Four: Hades

Personally, I don’t really like Hades, because Hades is the god of the underworld. He’s just like, “Hi! I am Hades! I am a god, but I don’t care about being one of the big three!” (Zeus, Poseidon, Hades.) “I only talk to the dead that come to the Underworld, and I like to torture them!”

But, again, I’m going to say that he is a total jerk. Like, I mean… how does he not care for his demigod sons?!

 

Chapter Five: Ares

So… Ares is actually a total jerk. (Now I’m finding it hard to say “jerk” so many times. Like, I mean, my tongue is stuck on that word!)

Ares is like, “I am Ares, and I love to fight! Wanna fight? I love fights! Wah! That was not fair! Rematch! I wanna fight again!”

“You’re just a sore loser,” says the demigod who won. Wooo! Go demigod! Boo Ares!

“Nuh-uh! I just… blah, blah, blah, blah…”

But seriously… –staticstatic– my connection is not good with you… probably because Ares’s glowing, fire eyes are burning my wifi box down… I think the story now should be the Ultimate Handbook of Stories That End With –static-static– because… I don’t know… –static-static-

Oh! Wait! I know why the stories end with static! It’s because of Ares’s fire spreading all over my house, and it is destroying the connection with you!

AHHH!!! FIRE! Fire! Somebody call the Ares extermination service!

Okay, I’ll meet you later after I go to Best Buy to get a new wifi box.

 

Chapter Six: Apollo

Apollo? Okay… seriously, I can’t think of anything bad to do with Apollo. Well, actually,  he’s just like, “Hi Artemis! I don’t care about you! All I care about is being cool-looking in my chariot, and driving around all day, and complaining.”

Seriously, that is how he talks.

“Waiter? Can I get a lemonade with a lime slice on the side of the cup, with extra sugar, and bubbles, and some coke added into it, and extra ice, and iced tea in it, to make it an Arnold Palmer?”

Sigh. Apollo, Apollo, Apollo.

 

Chapter Seven: Hermes

Hermes? Yeah… being the god of thieves and all those… messages… he’s probably like, to the thieves, “Yeah! Now go steal the planet Mars! Perfect! Wooo!!! Now, go hijack one of the NASA spaceships!”

“You are not helping, Hermes,” says a NASA security officer.

And Ares is like, “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!!!”

Aphrodite’s going, “Ares, my love, did you forget to wear your red makeup to make it look like your face is about to explode?”

Zeus is firing thunderbolts everywhere, and Hades is riding in his black chariot and killing people.

Seriously, now this book is just so out of order. Like, yes, Ares, I’m talking to Y-O-U. (And some other people.) Like, Ares (and some other people) are butting in while it’s Herme’s turn under the spotlight. Really, Ares, (and some other people) I’m telling you, Hermes doesn’t even get any positive feedback anyway! Just like you! Hurray! (Sarcasm.)

Ares: Wahhh!

Me: You deserved it.      

 

Chapter Eight: Artemis

Artemis? More of a, “Ah! Boys have cooties!” kind of person than a goddess. Seriously?

Besides, when I first read Artemis’s name, I thought she was the god of art. You know why? Because her name starts with A-R-T. Wow. Depressing. Her parents must have not known that loophole there. Artemis should really be the goddess of art. Seriously, this is just downright DEPRESSING.

 

Chapter Nine: Athena

Athena? Okay, honestly, I have nothing against her but, a god that is against demigods is just, yeah. The exact same, like a clone. But, again, Athena is the goddess of wisdom. Yeah, Athena, I’m telling you to quit doing your I-HATE-DEMIGODS rally, and listen to me for once. Yeah, I’m expecting you to start saying random wisdom words like, “Hi! I’m Einstein! E=MC2 !”

(Yep, and don’t tell me you invented that, cause you didn’t! Einstein did.)

 

Chapter Ten: Aphrodite

Aphrodite, okay?

“Hi! I love romance and a lot of love!!!” Like that. And, “I love beauty!”

Okay, seriously, Aphrodite, quit doing your makeup and get under the spotlight! I think you know that you’re being interviewed right now, right?

“Ohhh! Don’t I look beautiful? Add some more makeup on my ears!” says Aphrodite.

What?! Has Aphrodite gone crazy! Makeup on ears?!

“Mm-hmm!” says Aphrodite. “Oh, was I supposed to do something other than just put my makeup on?”

Duh. Or, maybe not. If she was in her world, it would be LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, and more LOVE, LOVE, LOVE… okay, you get it.

But, seriously: let’s face the truth, did Aphrodite not know that she was being interviewed?!

 

Chapter Eleven: Demeter

Demeter? Fine. Hello? Demeter? I would like to interview you today. What would you like to say?

“Harvest is going terrible! That titan, stupid Cronos, is ruining my harvest by getting the big, fat, giant Hyperion to stomp on my beautiful crops!!! And, I’m going cray cray, as usual!”

(Yes, we know, Demeter.)

 

Chapter twelve: Hypnos

So… honestly, my sister will love this chapter because she loves sleep!!! So, again, I’m going to interview him. Hypnos. Hypnos? What do you have to say about the world?

“Rrr… snore, snore, snore. The world -snore- needs –snore- more –snore- sleep –snore. By –snore- the end –snore- of this –snore- story.”

Oh, well. I guess Hypnos isn’t in a good mood right now.

Hello! ARE YOU AWAAAAKE???” Ares yells.

“Hey, hey, hey! ” says Zeus, and pushes Ares out of the spotlight.

“Ares! Do you need your death hammer to smash him to death?” Aphrodite says.

 

Chapter Thirteen: Dionysus

Oh! I’m the wine god!

Splash. He spilled it on my camera. Great. That’s a thousand dollars down the drain. Okay, I’m going to ask a seriously tempting question.

“Which wine do you like?”

Dionysus finally looks at me.

“Ohh! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick-”

“LET ME GET A McPICK TWO!!!!” Hermes yells.

Seriously! Hermes, not your turn under the spotlight! Stop stealing McPick Twos! Leave McDonald’s alone!

“Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!”

 

Chapter Fourteen: Hephaestus

No offense, but I had to spell that name a thousand times before I got it right. Okay. Hello. I would like to interview you. What would you like to say?

“Oh my God! I am totally going to smash Cronos on his fat butt!”

Okay. I’ll move out of hammer range for that. Smash! Oh, ow. That felt like a nuclear bomb.

“Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!”

Stop, Dionysus! Seriously! Smash!

Okay, there goes the wine god! Thanks, Hephaestus!

“Pick me! Pick me! Pick-” Kaboom, smash. Oh, ouch.

 

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