The Hat With Hands

Once upon a time there was a hat who did construction work and lived on Mars. He couldn’t do his construction work because he didn’t have any hands, so he started to cry. He got fired, and then he got kicked back to Jupiter. He told his friends and cousins and family that he lost his job.

The hat went to his house and cried and cried until it was the next day, then the next day, then the next day, then the next day, then the next day, until he got really, really hungry. Then, he went into his kitchen, and he looked in there, and he ate a bowl of cereal, and he was so hungry that he ate another one and then another one until the next day and the next day until he was really full.

Then, the hat’s parents said, “What are you doing? You’re eating all the food!”

Then, he remembered that he had no hands and said, “I want hands! Someone give me hands! God, give me hands! I want some hands! I’m going to go on a quest for hands! I’ll find someone who’s dead and chop off their hands and use their hands.”

He knew where dead people came from. The only way to get dead people was from Earth. He had a rocket ship, and he realized that he still didn’t have any hands, so he just had to jump onto a button to blast off and used the little handles on his hands to close the door, and he blasted off into Earth.

When he landed, he landed in the lake, and then he swam out of the lake and spun around and around to get all the water off of him. He looked in the city and looked at a graveyard, and he was like, “I don’t know, this is going to be scary. What if someone sees me? I had to pull my rocket ship all the way here, and if someone sees me, I’ll get in there and just blast off.” He saw a body with hands that could fit him, and then he cut them off.

Then, a police officer saw him and he was like, “Hey, what are you doing, hat? Stay there, I’m coming for you!”

Then, the hat was really scared. He grabbed the hands and ran into the spaceship and took off. He wasn’t even flying the spaceship; he was trying to put on the hands, but he realized that he needed to steer. If he didn’t steer, he would crash. He put the hands down, and then he steered it to his house. When he got there, he put on the hands and tried to fit them on, and then the hands were starting to move, and he realized that he was the one moving them. So he tried to learn how to move the hands, but he just hit himself in the face with one hand, then the other one, then the other one. Then, he said, “Stop,” and the hands stopped. He realized that he knew how to control the hands.

When he went into his house, the parents asked, “What happened to you?”

He said, “I went to Earth and chopped off someone’s hands who was dead and put them on.”

The mom replied, “Honey, why did you do that? You don’t need hands. You’re just like everyone. You can do whatever you want without hands.”

The hat said, “Mom, why can’t I have hands? I just want hands, so I can touch things and I can grab things.”

“You don’t need that,” said the Mom. “You can just jump on everything that you need. You don’t need the hands.”

And the hat said, “You’re right, Mom. I don’t need hands.” But then, he just put the hands back on.

The police, in the graveyard, had asked, “Are you still going to do this?”

And he had just said, “I’m blasting off, baby.”

THE END