“Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing. This story is about Nothing, who is somebody who is nothing. That’s why this story is called Nothing. Let’s get on with it. Can we just cancel this show and put our lives out of immediate danger?”
Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing. This story is about Nothing, who is somebody who is nothing. That’s why this story is called Nothing. Let’s get on with it. Can we just cancel this show and put our lives out of immediate danger?
Once there was a kid named Nothing, and she was nothing. She was three years old. One day, she pushed a chair until she moved it. There was a show called Reality Toddlers. Before she started pushing the chair, she had watched it for the first time. On the show, a toddler named Tiny had pushed a chair while his big brother was lying on the floor. He had kept pushing and pushing, but the chair wouldn’t move any further. On the TV it said, “Will there be drama at naptime?” Then, disaster struck: Teddy the dinosaur’s jaw was too small to bite the head off Dr. Mustache. Would someone please cancel this show and put our lives out of immediate danger? Find out on next week’s episode of Reality Toddlers.
Now Nothing wanted to fail super badly, so she tried to make herself fail by playing a game of chess with her dad. She closed her eyes when she moved the pieces, but she won. So, she went to the playground and went on the monkey bars, closing her eyes and trying to fall off on her first try, but she made it to the end without falling off.
“That’s weird,” said her mom and dad. “Why do you want to fail so much?”
“I want to be like the person from the show!” she said.
“Really?” said her dad. “Then I have a way to make you fail: get on a balance beam, close your eyes, and walk on it in different directions.”
Nothing did what he said, but she still didn’t fail. She did it again, and again, and again, until she finally failed. She kept doing things like this on purpose and kept trying to push the chair without moving it. One day, when she was walking up a hill, she slipped, and she didn’t do it on purpose. Then, she kept slipping and slipping and slipping, and she finally failed.
She got a job as an actor on Reality Toddlers. Her parents thought it was weird, but they let her do it so they could become millionaires.
Episode 1464: Crocs Apocalypse
This week, on Reality Toddlers… Somebody kicked a croc, and then everybody started crying and throwing crocs at each other. But then, disaster struck: a pacifier fell out of someone’s mouth. It got even worse when somebody threw their baby food up at the ceiling, and hit the light, and everything went black. Everybody thought that they were dead and in heaven, because the walls glowed white, and then somebody jumped out the window to check if it was a dream. Then, everybody jumped out the window, except four people. The daycare was on the 100th floor of the Empire State Building. The only survivors were Nothing, her brothers Chumball and Charlie, and her sister Panais. They just went out the exit and went home. The exit was similar to the window, except it had a ladder.
In real life, everyone was wearing a bungee suit that had a green screen on it so that it looked like their clothes. No one actually died — it was just a stunt. Nothing’s parents told the director that he should be ashamed of himself.
Nothing said, “Don’t say that! Everybody’s okay! We shot it on an actual 100-foot tall building, but we had bungee jumping things, so we wouldn’t die or fall off or make the show too violent.”
Right after everybody watched the episode, the news said, “BREAKING NEWS: The show Reality Toddlers is really violent, so everyone should forbid it and never watch it again.”
But the director said on TV, “But wait! Everybody had bungee jumping suits on, and no one got hurt! Take the L!”
Nothing’s parents said, “You can keep participating in it, but only if you do your chores ten times a week.”
Nothing really liked it, so she kept doing it; she actually lived in the studio. There were lockers, and behind them was a queen-sized locker bed for Nothing. Only Nothing and her family lived there, not the other toddlers. The director told Nothing that you can only get fired if you die. She was happy at first, because she loved it.
Seven years later…
Nothing was now ten, because she was three seven years ago. Three plus seven equals ten. The show had been going on for practically forever — for as long as its creator had been alive. There have been 1,464 seasons. Nothing now had to kneel to pretend she was a toddler. Nothing was really bored of the show, and she really wanted to quit, but the only way she could get fired was if she died.
Nothing was going to fake her own death. She got an actual arrow to stab herself with, but quickly switched it with one that was already split through the middle, to make it look like she’d been shot in the head. If that wasn’t enough, she had a back up plan: a knife that fit into her hip to make it look like she’d been stabbed. She succeeded. Her brothers and sister did it too, and it actually worked.
They brought the bodies back to the house, and their parents saw them. When their parents were crying, they sprung to life and said, “Hi” all at the same time. The parents’ jaws dropped to the bottom of the floor. “Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi,” they repeated, sounding like a computer.
“Don’t tell the toddler show that we’re still alive, because we still have millions of dollars.” Their house was actually a mansion now.
The parents carried the coffins to the cemetery without the children inside. Nothing became a normal kid. She didn’t go to school, though, because if people saw her in the public eye, she would have to go back to Reality Toddlers. She and her brothers and sister had to be homeschooled. But their parents were really bad at teaching them, because when they were homeschooled, their dad taught them, “Fried rice plus chicken noodle plus fried chicken equals ten bags of chicken noodle fried rice soup.”