“My name is Peanut. I am a robot. Not one of those robots who takes over the world, or steals all of your jobs and makes you homeless. Instead, I am a helper robot.”
My name is Peanut. I am a robot. Not one of those robots who takes over the world, or steals all of your jobs and makes you homeless. Instead, I am a helper robot. That means a robot who will help you clean the stinky bathroom, or clean the dusty attic, or wipe your butt. Right now, I am helping Red. I am helping him clean the stinky bathroom, and clean the attic, and wipe his butt.
Every Saturday, he goes out and does not come back until midnight. He wears something called a ski mask and comes back with a buttload of money. One day, I asked him what he was doing on Saturdays.
“None of your beeswax, stupid robot. Now wipe my butt.”
So, I wiped his butt.
Beep beep beep beep. Did I mention that I am also a portable alarm clock? It was Sunday, and as expected, he came back last night wearing a black ski mask and holding two bags with dollar signs on them. I knew it was weird, but I did not say anything. Today he woke up, and I brushed his teeth, and I dressed him, and he used the bathroom, so I had to wipe his butt. Then, he went downstairs and turned on the TV.
“In the year 3014, we have been having an all time record in crime thanks to the Red Hood who has attacked banks all over Brooklyn. He has stolen over 100 million dollars in one day and in total has stolen 600 million dollars. Watch out, Brooklyn. The Red Hood is a master criminal.”
Red just chuckled.
Today I asked him what he doing again because I knew something was happening. I just could not put my robotic finger on it.
All he said was, “Nothing,” and my programming says to agree with Red no matter if I know it is false or not, so I nodded and went upstairs to clean the attic
Today is Tuesday, and we did our morning routine, which is to wake Red up, then brush his teeth, then wipe his butt, which was not even dirty today. There was no poop on that butt at all. Then, I cleaned the attic. Then, I did everything else that a helper robot is programmed to do.
Red Hood and Red
Today is another Saturday, so I expect Red to leave soon. I asked him again because I am starting to figure out that Red is not going to a bar and getting drunk or something, but he is doing something secret that he really does not want me to know, even though I can help him.
This time, he tells me this, “Okay, if I tell you, then will you stop asking me.” I nodded. “Okay, I’ll tell you.’’ He started to whisper, then he looked around to make sure that no one was around. “I am Red Hood.”
When the Police Get Involved
“Wait, that’s it?”
“You’re not gonna say ‘what’ or ‘no way?’”
Then, he got up and left to be Red Hood once again. Another part of my programming says that I have to tell the police if something bad may happen or if I find a criminal. So I called the police over to the house.
When they came, they said stuff like, “Who’s Red Hood.”
So I answered, “Red Revata.” (Red’s full name.)
“Where is he?” one cop said.
“Robbing a bank.”
“What??!! Oh dang it, we gotta go!”
“We got a Red Hood to catch!!”
Then, all the police got into the cars and went to the Boop Street Bank. But because I am programmed to help Red no matter what… I went to Boop Street Bank.
Red Hood and the Police (and a few sentences about me on the road.)
Inside the Boop Street Bank…
“I wonder how much I’ll get today ha ha.” Yuop yuop yuop yuop. “Oh come on, not the police.”
(Remember the year is 3014, so the tech is going to be a little bit more advanced.) Then, he pulled out his lazer gun. Then, he aimed at the ceiling and jumped right out onto the roof. Then, he ran and jumped from building to building while the police was still looking for him in the bank.
One the street…
“Get outta the road!!”
“Go to ya rich owner robots!!”
Then, I spotted Red! Well, it was Red Hood, but Red Hood is also Red, so it was Red Hood and Red. He stopped to breathe, and while he was doing that, I climbed up the building he was standing on. Then just as I got to the top, the police emerged from the hole in the bank roof.
We were talking a bunch.
“Peanut??!! What are you doing here??”
“My programming says that I need to help you when you are in potential danger.”
“How did you know that I was going to be chased on rooftops?”
“Because when I called the police on you — ”
“You did WHAT!!!”
“I called the police.”
“Yeah, you told me that.”
“Then I told them that you are Red Hood.”
“Because my — ”
“Right your programming blah blah blah.”
“You may want to run now.”
“Because while we were talking the police caught up to us.”
“Come here, Red Hood!! Your robot exposed you!!” Then he swung his nightstick around in the air like a lasso.
“Run, Peanut, run!!”
“Oh, I don’t have time for this.”
Then, he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me over the rooftops. We jumped from building to building to get to Red’s house. But the police were catching up slowly. So, Red pulled me harder, trying to make me go any faster.
Red is writing now: You don’t know how heavy a pure metal robot is.
Finally, we make it to the area where Red’s house is.
“How do we get down from here Peanut?” Red asked.
“I have plungers,” I said.
Red is writing now: I was confused that Peanut had plungers of all things. I mean plungers! Who has plungers!! But I guess they did help us get down from the building.
Red and I got down from the building thanks to my plungers. (I kiss my plungers in the background.) Once we got inside, Red ran to the kitchen and made a FOR SALE sign. Then, he went outside and hung up the FOR SALE sign. Then when the police came down from the building, somehow they came to the house and thought, I guess they aren’t here.
The Last One.
“I am so mad at you, Peanut!!”
“I am sorry, but I don’t really have feelings.”
Then, he stormed up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door behind him with a bam!!
I carefully snuck up the stairs to make sure Red didn’t hear me. Then, I slowly knocked on the door. Clack clack clack.
“My programming says — ”
“I don’t care. Just go.”
“Bu — ”
“Go… I said go!! Your stupid programming almost got me arrested!!” He took a deep breath and said, “For the last time… Go.”
Then, I walked down the stairs. Walked out the doors. And turned myself in to the police.