SCENE 1
Setting: Manhattan, Writopia Lab.
ALEX
Who’s ready for sock-ball?
Rumbling is heard.
EVERYONE
Let’s go see what’s happening!!!
SCENE 2
Setting: Manhattan, Central Park. There is a big crater where the museum used to be. Inside it is a CREEP IN WIZARD COSTUME. He walks out to the benches, where a crowd has been forming.
CREEP IN WIZARD COSTUME
Listen to me, you fools! I am George, the wizard! I am here to take over your pitiful kingdom! Mwahahaha!!!
KID
I think he’s from New Jersey.
GEORGE, THE WIZARD
Where is this “New Jersey?”
OTHER KID
Actually, he’s probably from Fire Island.
GEORGE, THE WIZARD
An island made out of fire! You intrigue me! Where is this burnt kingdom?
SOME OTHER KID
Wait, what?
GEORGE, THE WIZARD
Oh, well. I will explore it later. I must find your king and overthrow him! Power will be mine!!!
Police cars enter. Siren is heard. They march up to him.
COP
What’s going on here?
KID
Just some creep from New Jersey who exploded the museum.
OTHER KID
You’re stupid! It’s easy to see he’s from Fire Island.
GEORGE, THE WIZARD
Who are you? Paid mercenaries? I can take you down with my magic powers!!!
COP
(Laughs.) Okay then, you’re a jokester, eh? Then let me introduce you to my “magic” taser.
COP “tases” GEORGE.
SCENE 3
Setting: Manhattan, in a courtroom.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
So, Your Honor… This creep here has exploded one of our best museums, traumatized millions of kids going to a summer camp called “Writopia,” committed serious fashion crimes, and can not decide whether he is from New Jersey or Fire Island!
JUDGE
What does the accused have to say about it?
GEORGE
Excuse me? I am an evil wizard, and I’m going to control the world! Show some respect! And, what do I have to say about it? Well, first, bow down to me. Second, my outfit is way better than yours, and, third, I don’t even know what a “Jersey” is — much less a “new” one!
JUDGE
Do you plead insanity?
GEORGE
Yes, I do! I plead you all insane!
JUDGE
It’s easy to see. He’s gone crazy.
GEORGE
(Crying) All I wanted to do was control the world!!! Wahhh!!!
JUDGE
Fine, you can roam free, as long as you are in the supervision of my friend here, whose name is Fred.
SCENE 4
Setting: Manhattan, outside Pinkberry Fro-Yo Shop.
FRED
I’m hungry, want some fro-yo?
GEORGE
What is this “fro-yo”?
FRED
It’s tasty, you’ll see.
GEORGE
What about taking over the world?
FRED
Uh… we’ll do it later?
GEORGE
Okay then, unpaid underling!
FRED
Underling?!
GEORGE
Would you rather be called “Minion”?
FRED
Let’s just get fro-yo, okay?
SCENE 5
Setting: Manhattan, Inside Pinkberry
GEORGE and FRED are waiting in line for Pinkberry.
GEORGE
Why are we waiting in line? I deserve to be first!!!
FRED
No, you don’t. Maybe if you yell that they’re having a sale on something good they’ll leave.
GEORGE
Very true. I shall try. (Yelling) Dragonhide laser shields on sale in the next kingdom!
No one leaves.
FRED
Seriously, let me try. (Yelling) Starbucks is giving caramel mocha lattes for free!
Everyone leaves.
PINKBERRY GUY
What kind of fro-yo do you want?
GEORGE
Well, that depends. What kind of that do you have?
PINKBERRY GUY
We have original, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, mango, and super-extreme coffee caramel jumbo mega dumpling extra surprise.
GEORGE
I’ll have that last one.
FRED
I’ll just have chocolate.
PINKBERRY GUY
Do you want toppings?
FRED
Yes.
PINKBERRY GUY
Do you want gummy bears?
GEORGE
What? Why would I ever want to eat a bear?
PINKBERRY GUY
Do you want gummy worms?
GEORGE
Worms? What are you trying to do? Kill me?
PINKBERRY GUY
Do you want chocolate rocks?
GEORGE
Stone? What do you think I am? A gargoyle? What else do you have?
PINKBERRY GUY
Do you want the jumbo coffee choco-latte glaze with banana cherry dumpling sprinkles?
GEORGE
Mmm, that sounds yummy. YES!!!
FRED
I’ll have rainbow sprinkles.
PINKBERRY GUY
That’ll be $8.45 please.
GEORGE
Pff… that’s so cheap.
GEORGE drops nine gold coins on the counter.
GEORGE
Keep the change.
PINKBERRY GUY takes the gold coins, biting them to be sure they’re real. When he sees that they are, he jumps up and starts dancing.
GEORGE and FRED eat their fro-yo.
GEORGE
This is delicious!!!
SCENE 6
Setting: Manhattan, central park
GEORGE AND FRED are sitting on a bench near the ruins of the museum.
GEORGE
Unpaid minion!
FRED
What?
GEORGE
How do I become king of this kingdom?
FRED
Well… there’s an election coming up.
GEORGE
What’s an election?
FRED
It’s when the citizens vote for their president.
GEORGE
Is a president like a king?
FRED
Yeah, except he shares his power.
GEORGE
How do I become president?
FRED
You announce that you are running for president, and then you hope you win.
GEORGE
Where do you announce that you are running for president?
FRED
Points at a crowd of people in front of a presidential candidate.
See them? Set yourself up next to him, and steal those voters!!!
GEORGE
Okay!
George sets himself up near the presidential candidate.
Vote for me!!!
SOMEONE ELSE
And why would I do that?
GEORGE
Because I said so!
KID
Hey! I know you! You’re the creep from New Jersey who blew up the museum! It’s always nice meeting an old friend, isn’t it?
GEORGE
I don’t even have a jersey. I don’t even know what it is!
OTHER KID
Yo! You’re that dude from Fire Island! See ya later, bro!
GEORGE
Where is this island of fire?!
SOMEONE
Kiss these babies!
GEORGE
Why would I kiss a stinkin’ baby!
SOMEONE
Every good politician does it!!
GEORGE
Get out of my space. You disgust me.
DUDE
Are you gonna help us with our problems, and take care of our ecosystem?
GEORGE
No! Take care of your own problems!
DUDETTE
Are you going to take care of our economy?
GEORGE
Why would I do that? I have enough money already.
YOUNG DUDE
Are you going to improve our civil rights?
GEORGE
No –– I’m going to turn this into an absolute monarchy!
YOUNG DUDETTE
Are you going to help the homeless?
GEORGE
How about they help themselves instead?
TEENAGE DUDE
Are you going to improve peaceful relations with other countries?
GEORGE
No! I’m going to start wars everywhere so I can conquer the world!
TEENAGE DUDETTE
Are you going to stop racism, discrimination, anti-Semitism, and sexism?
GEORGE
Nah, I have better stuff to do, like going to Pinkberry and eating dumpling fro-yo.
SOMEONE
Will you improve international security?
GEORGE
No. I think I’ll improve my security instead.
SOMEONE ELSE
Will you improve our prisons?
GEORGE
Good Idea! I’ll let everyone free, and then lock in anyone who opposes me!
SOMEONE
Will we get longer vacations?
GEORGE
You’ll work every day of the year, while I take vacations.
SOMEBODY ELSE
Will you improve schools?
GEORGE
I’ll close schools, and put anyone older than sixteen years old in the army, ten to sixteen years old in hard factories, seven to ten years old in medium factories, five to seven years old in shops, and one to five years old in my future personal mines. Anyone younger than one year old will be shot with a ray that keeps them babies forever, so I can have a baby secret agency.
SOMEONE
Will you kiss them?
GEORGE
For the last time, I will not kiss any stinkin’ babies! With this I end my speech.
FRED faints. Everybody walks off.
SCENE 7
Setting: Manhattan, some room or other.
GEORGE
My speech was awesome! They are so going to vote for me!
FRED
Um… we might have to talk about that…
GEORGE
About how good I am at this, right?
FRED
Let’s turn on the TV.
GEORGE
What’s a “TV”?
FRED
It’s hard to explain. I’ll just turn it on
FRED turns on the TV. GEORGE gasps.
GEORGE
Someone is trapped inside that piece of glass!! He’s gone crazy!
FRED
Actually, it’s all projected because of electricity or something –– no one’s actually trapped.
GEORGE
Electricity? What sort of sorcery is that? Is that what Tasers are powered on?
FRED
Actually, yes, but —
GEORGE
Shh, they are showing the polls.
SCENE 8
Setting: Some room or other, on TV.
TV HOST:
And here are the polls. First I shall introduce the two candidates: Mr. Presidential Candidate, and George the Wizard. Second, I shall give the statistics: Mr. Presidential Candidate: 100%. George the Wizard: 0%.
SCENE 9
Setting: Manhattan, some room or another.
GEORGE
Oh no! I’m last in the polls!
FRED
(Knowingly) Well, what are you gonna do about it?
GEORGE
I’m going to murder Mr. Presidential Candidate.
FRED
That’s not really what I was going for. Are you sure you have to resolve this with violence?
GEORGE
Yes –– where I come from, if you don’t like someone, you murder them.
FRED
Wow, tough neighborhood. Remind me never to go to New Jersey. Or Fire Island.
GEORGE
Gaaah! I was not born on an island of fire! How many times must I repeat this?
FRED
Wow. It must have been a really tough neighborhood if you won’t even acknowledge that you’re from there.
GEORGE
I’m still going to murder him.
FRED
Do you have to?
GEORGE
Yes.
SCENE 10
Setting: Manhattan, Empire State Building
GEORGE and MR. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE are standing on top of the Empire State Building.
GEORGE
From up here we can see future goals, future people, and the future goals of our future people.
MR. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
Yes, but I wonder, why are you still in the race if I have 100% of voters?
GEORGE
Because of this!!!
GEORGE pushes MR. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE off the Empire State Building.
GEORGE
I won!!!