“There was a performing circus cat whose name was Buckingham Puck and had a swollen foot but could not tell a joke, and he really wanted to learn how to tell a joke. Buckingham Puck had grey hair with orange stripes, and he was the fattest of all the cats because he ate his favorite food, buffalo wings, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”
There was a performing circus cat whose name was Buckingham Puck and had a swollen foot but could not tell a joke, and he really wanted to learn how to tell a joke. Buckingham Puck had grey hair with orange stripes, and he was the fattest of all the cats because he ate his favorite food, buffalo wings, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. His eyes were pink, but every other circus cat’s eyes were brown. All the other circus cats could tell jokes, and he couldn’t because he had pink eyes. The other circus cats told him he should learn to tell a joke so he could become part of the joke show.
Buckingham Puck wanted to be part of the show because whichever cat told the funniest joke would win a ticket to the midnight fairy cruise in Alaska, where they could fish for fresh salmon all night long. He made his way to the Dark Figure’s house so that the Dark Figure would put a spell on him so he could tell jokes. But when Buckingham Puck went inside of the home, the Dark Figure was not there. Buckingham Puck knew the the Dark Figure liked parties because last time, when a little girl had a party, the Dark Figure wasn’t even invited, but he still showed up.
Buckingham Puck invited everyone he knew, including the Dark Figure, to his party. When the Dark Figure heard the news that there was a party, he started to go to the party. When he showed up at the party, Buckingham Puck hopped over to where the Dark Figure was standing and asked him to put a spell to tell jokes. The Dark Figure was angry that Buckingham Puck would host a party just so the Dark Figure could cast a spell on him. Instead of casting a spell that Buckingham Puck could tell jokes, he cast a spell that Buckingham Puck would have purple eyes, which made him tell horrible jokes.
After the party, he left and went to the Light Figure, so she could make him have brown eyes, which would make him tell really funny jokes just like the other cats. He made his way down to the Light figure’s cave. When he walked into the cave, the Light Figure was sitting there, sipping her coffee. He asked her to give him brown eyes so that he could say really funny jokes. Just when she was about to cast the spell, the Dark Figure walked in. Both were very surprised to see each other. The Dark Figure was at the Light Figure’s home because he was warning her not to cast a spell on Buckingham Puck. This was because he was still angry that Buckingham Puck invited him to a party just because he wanted to tell very funny jokes.
When Buckingham Puck saw the Dark Figure, he started to apologize and say that he didn’t mean it. He just wanted to tell jokes and be part of the joke show. The Dark Figure did not forgive him. Buckingham Puck really wanted to be a part of the joke show so he kept giving more reasons for the Dark Figure to forgive him.
“You could come to every party of mine if you let me tell jokes. And also, I would like to treat you to buffalo wings tonight.”
The Dark Figure really loved buffalo wings and agreed to forgive him. The Light Figure was listening to all this and asked to also come to the buffalo wings dinner. Buckingham Puck said that she could absolutely come to the buffalo wings dinner. So Buckingham Puck took the Dark Figure and the Light Figure to his dinner room and asked them to sit down while he grilled the buffalo wings. When the wings were ready, he put them on the table, and everyone started to eat it.
Buckingham Puck and the Light Figure loved it, but the Dark Figure did not. Since he didn’t like the food, he just cast a spell that would give Buckingham Puck dark purple eyes, which made him tell even more horrible jokes. After he cast the spell, he left to go to his own house to eat his dinner.
After the Dark Figure shut the door, the Light Figure felt bad for Buckingham Puck. She wanted to give him brown eyes, but since the Dark Figure’s magic was more powerful than hers, she could not undo the spell. So the Light Figure went home and stayed up all night, thinking of a plan.
The next day, the Light Figure rose bright and early to get to Buckingham Puck’s house. She put her shoes on to walk to his house. When she got there, Buckingham Puck was waiting on his porch for her. The buffalo dinner from the night before was so big that he had some leftovers. He had wrapped the wings up and gave it to her as a gift.
The Light Figure started to tell Buckingham Puck all about her plan. Her plan was that they would work together as a team to reach the magical mountain. On that magical mountain was a magical cave, which contained a magic stone that could give her much more power than the Dark Figure.
They began to pack their stuff for the long and dangerous journey up the mountain. First, they packed the leftover buffalo wings. Then, they packed some rope and a stick in case they need to climb something like a hill. Next, they packed some lollipops in case they met some crocodiles. If the crocodiles smelled the Light Figure and Buckingham Puck, they would throw the lollipops so that the crocodiles wouldn’t want to eat them. They packed some blankets so that they could sleep on the way. The rope was also used to tie the blankets onto trees with high branches. This is because after the crocodiles ate all the lollipops, they might still be hungry, so they would try to eat Buckingham Puck later. They also brought band-aids in case they got scraped by thorns. They also kept a few for themselves. Last of all, they packed toothbrushes and toothpaste.
After that, Buckingham Puck put hiking shoes on all four of his feet to protect his paws. They grabbed a map to go to the magic mountain. The map said that they had to go on Sockwood street. After they walked onto Sockwood street, the map said that there was a tiny, little bunny hole that they had to squeeze into. They looked behind some bushes and found the secret bunny hole. Buckingham Puck had to shimmy himself in because he was so fat. Since the Light Figure was human-sized, Buckingham Puck had to pull her down.
After they finally got down the small, tight hole, they crawled through the dirt. After crawling for about three hours, they found worms, maggots, and ants, but not a single bunny, The Light Figure always carried a bottle of bug spray. She sprayed it all around her. After that, she kept on spraying, but there were no more bugs that they found. They crawled for two more hours, but after that, sunlight came through the hole.
They climbed out of the hole and looked all around them. Suddenly, a whole pack of wolves sprang out of nowhere. The wolves did not like lollipops, so Buckingham Puck reached into their knapsack and took out half of the buffalo wings. He threw it where the wolves were. The moment he threw it, all of the wolves lunged at the wings. When the wolves started to rip off pieces of the wings, Buckingham Puck and the Light Figure started running. The wolves saw them running, but they just kept eating the wings.
After the leader of the wolves ate the last wing, Buckingham Puck and the Light Figure climbed up a tree. They stayed in a tree for an hour, sucking lollipops and eating a bit of the buffalo wings. The wolves were waiting at the bottom of the tree with their jaws wide open and their necks leaning back. Buckingham Puck and the Light Figure could see the drool dripping from the wolves’ jaws. The wolves were getting bored waiting for Buckingham Puck and the Light Figure. One of the wolves ran home and brought back a basket filled with a few Monopoly boards, a game of chess, and a few packets of UNO cards. The wolves played and played until the leader of the wolf pack had ordered for them to bring back a nice, juicy deer from the hill.
The wolves knew that the Light Figure and Buckingham Puck would not come down for a while, so they ran to catch a deer. Buckingham Puck and the Light Figure knew that the wolves would come back for them as soon as they caught a deer, so they ran away. When they got tired, the Light Figure used some of her magic to bring them thirty miles closer to the mountain. Buckingham Puck and the Light Figure could not find a tree to sleep in, so the Light Figure had to use some of her magic to grow a tree. They got out their ropes and blankets to tie the blankets to the tree.
The next morning, they woke up and got out their toothbrushes. They jumped out the tree and went to the lake. They squeezed a little toothpaste on their toothbrushes and started brushing because they hadn’t brushed for two nights. After they brushed their teeth, they smelled something disgusting. They realized that it was their toothbrushes which had been in their really smelly mouths. Luckily, they had brought an extra pair. Since it was the morning, and they were hungry, they looked into the bag and saw only lollipops and buffalo wings. The buffalo wings were not for the morning and lollipops were not really filling. So, they had to look for some apples and oranges in the forest. Since Light Figure used magic to grow the tree they slept in, she had to use a little bit of her magic to make some apples and oranges. After their stomachs were full, they started their dangerous mission.
As they were walking, Buckingham Puck said, “Do you want me to tell you about my favorite moment?”
The Light Figure nodded and said, “I would love to.”
Buckingham Puck said, “On Halloween, two boys dressed up as buffalo wings, and I ate them. And that is why I’m so fat. Those two boys tasted very disgusting. Their hairs were like leaves. Their costumes were leather. And their costumes tasted the worst. Even though it tasted so bad, I was so hungry so I ate it.”
The Light Figure looked surprised and said, “That explains it.”
They walked along for thirty more minutes when it turned dark in one second, right before their eyes. It was only 8:30 a.m., but it turned to 10:30 p.m. When the darkness cleared, they saw the Dark Figure.
He turned to Buckingham Puck and said, “I will give you brown eyes, but you need to give me eight of your lives.”
“I can’t give you eight lives because when I jumped off a high pole, my foot got swollen and that was one of my lives. So, I only have seven lives to give you.”
The Dark Figure was furious that he could only have seven lives. So he said, “Now I will never give you brown eyes, and I will give you a rough trip to the magic mountain. I will order my ghouls and monsters to stop you from getting closer to the magic mountain.”
After the Dark Figure said this, he took out his magical wand and started to chant very lowly. He chanted so lowly that Buckingham Puck and the Light Figure could not hear him. Even though the Light Figure had magic, the Dark Figure had magic too, so he could whisper so lowly that even she could not hear. Then, he waved his wand in the air and zapped it. Tiny ghouls and goblins came shooting out of it and went in every direction that Buckingham Puck and Light figure would travel. They grew bigger and bigger until it was the size of Buckingham Puck’s favorite story-book giant, the BFG.
“No!” the Light Figure shouted. “Oh no!”
“Ha! Too bad, I win! You lose!” screamed the Dark Figure.
Buckingham Puck was furious with rage and started throwing sticks with his tail. One of the sticks hit the Dark Figure on his head, and then the stick cracked in two.
The Dark Figure gave out a yelp and said, “Owie.”
“That’s it. You asked for it, Mr. Buckingham Puck.”
“No. You asked for it, Mr. Dark Figure,” said the Light Figure who had made herself invisible.
The Light Figure had already told Buckingham Puck that she would go invisible so that he would not be surprised. The Dark Figure was startled and didn’t realize that the Light Figure was strong enough to go invisible, so he said, “Who said that?”
“I said that, knucklehead.”
“Whoever said that, I am not a knucklehead,” said the Dark Figure, looking around nervously.
The Light Figure made herself visible again and gave him a hard, little tap on the head.
“Light Figure? I thought you were on my side. You have betrayed me. You do not want to help Buckingham Puck. He is evil.”
She said, “He is not evil. You are. He is my best friend, and you are not.”
After the Light Figure said this, she waved her wand wildly, and she jumped up to the heavens, taking Buckingham Puck with her.
“Where in the world are you two going?” the Dark Figure said, jumping up as well. He tried to jump up and follow them, but the heavens pushed him down and said, “YOU ARE BAD! GO AWAY!”
Safe up in the heavens, the Light Figure was greeted by all other goddesses, but when they saw Buckingham Puck, all of their enthusiasm flowed right out of them.
“Is this a mortal cat? Or an immortal cat?” one of the goddesses said.
“I am immortal. I have been alive since the beginning of time, and I will be here till the end,” said Buckingham Puck.
“Come here, you little softy,” a voice said. It was one of the goddesses’ children. Just then, she skipped towards him and said, “My name is Pinky Winky Pickle. You can call me Pinky.”
She tried to put her arms under him, but he was so fat that she could not pick them up.
“You are a fat bunny,” said Pinky. “You need to go on a diet, Bunny.”
“First of all, I am the skinniest cat in the world. And second of all, I am a cat,” Buckingham Puck said.
Pinky said, “If you are a cat, you can give me a horseback ride.”
And with those words, she hopped on Buckingham Puck’s back. Buckingham Puck let out a yelp and tried to buck her off, but everytime he tried to buck her off, she would slap him and say, “Go faster.”
“Pinky Winky Pickle, get off that filthy cat at once,” Pinky’s parents said.
The Light Figure came to Buckingham Puck’s rescue and said, “He’s a very clean cat. I just gave him a bath.”
When Buckingham Puck heard the word “bath,” he fainted. Buckingham Puck hated baths. There had once been an incident when he was young, when someone had tried to give him a bath. When he came out, his fur was all curly, and he hated curly fur. All the girls thought he was cute and tried to kiss him, but he didn’t like the kissing. Ever since that day, he swore to himself that he would never take a bath.
Buckingham Puck looked around for a clock. When he finally found a clock, the clock said that it was 11:53 p.m. That meant they had wasted their whole day up in the heavens. Buckingham Puck knew that he had to leave but without Pinky, so he thought about how to get rid of Pinky. He had an idea. The Light Figure would sprinkle some powder on his head, and they would hold hands and run off the clouds. Then they would float in the air. And when the magic died down, and they started to drift down, the Light Figure would wave her wand for a plane, and they would start flying. He didn’t think that Pinky could fly too. He whispered this to the Light Figure when no one was watching. Pinky had great hearing since she was the youngest one in the room. When the Light Figure had sprinkled some powder on Buckingham Puck, they ran up the cloud and jumped. Pinky saw what was going on. She also dashed off the clouds and flung herself onto Buckingham Puck’s plump back. Since he had a lot of fat stored in his back, it was as soft as a pillow. His back felt so soft that Pinky immediately fell asleep. When she woke up, she started to tickle Buckingham Puck’s back. She kept on tickling harder and harder. After a while, Buckingham Puck said his back was itchy, so he asked the Light Figure to scratch it. The Light Figure swam in the air over to Buckingham Puck’s back. When she got over his back, she saw Pinky right there trying tickle Buckingham Puck. The Light Figure was Pinky’s older sister, so she was allowed to get cross with Pinky.
“Pinky Winky Pickle, why did you follow us? You will get into a lot of mischief. When we get back to the heavens, I can see a little girl who needs a good spanking on her heiny.” The Light Figure didn’t stop there. She said, “What do you think you’re doing, miss?”
Pinky was a brave little girl and said, “I think I’m resting on the back of the fattest cat in the world and having a really good time, and you?”
“Me, what?” the Light Figure said, kind of confused.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Pinky said, laughing.
Pinky was now rolling on Buckingham Puck’s back. She was getting too close to the edge of his back. If she rolled a little bit more, she would fall straight down. They were flying right on top of Lake Only For Fat People, Skinny People Will Be Sent To The Police At Once. This lake had the longest name in the world, and it was also the biggest lake in the world. Pinky did not know how to swim. She only knew how to fly and jump.
The Light Figure did not notice that Buckingham Puck could not see that Pinky was even on his back. Pinky rolled just a little bit more and started to fall.
“Pinky!” the Light Figure yelled.
She quickly made a collar and a leash. She clipped them together and fastened it on Buckingham Puck’s neck. Since she was a fairy, she could undo what happened five seconds ago. She took hold of the leash, which was one hundred sizes too small for Buckingham Puck because he was fat.
Pinky was getting way too close to the lake, but the Light Figure had gathered all of her strength and grabbed Pinky right before Pinky fell into the lake. After one more hour of floating, Buckingham Puck spotted the magical island. As they floated closer, the Light Figure spotted the magical cave.
“Hey! There it is!”
The Light figure used her magic to bring them to where the magical cave was. When they landed, Pinky ran off and climbed the tree that was closest to them. The Light Figure climbed up after Pinky, grabbed her hand, and jumped down to where Buckingham Puck was standing. As all three of them entered the cave, the cave entrance closed. There was no turning back now.
“Who turned out the lights?” Buckingham Puck yelled. “I demand to know.”
There was a silence and then a deep low voice spoke.
“You are a prisoner inside my cave now, Buckingham Puck. Prisoners cannot make demands.”
“Whoever said that, show yourself right now or else I will eat you,” said Buckingham Puck.
“If you eat me, you will become too fat, and you will blow up.”
This is what startled Buckingham Puck. He began to tremble, and then he fainted. The moment that he fainted, the Dark Figure showed himself. He burst into a horrible peal of laughter.
“You should not be laughing, you little, bad meanie head,” the Light Figure said. “Now leave us in peace so we can get our magical stone.”
The Dark Figure was not used to being spoken to like this. Thousands of years ago, before Buckingham Puck was born, and before anyone in the world had been living, the Dark Figure was the only person on Earth. Once the human civilization came to Earth, he wanted the world back to himself. So he put a curse on everyone. The curse would only be broken if someone could get the magical stone and become more powerful than him. Then he would turn to dust. The Light Figure knew that because she knew what he had done in the past. Buckingham Puck did not know it, and Pinky was too young to know it. The Light Figure knew that she had to turn him into dust. She quickly made cold, icy water with ice cubes in it and threw it on Buckingham Puck. Buckingham Puck sat up, dripping. The Dark Figure was now scared, but he did not show it. It was about time that he turned to dust. A small, purple light glowed in the darkness. It was the magical stone. There were thousands of magical stones, but the purple one was the most powerful of all. The least powerful stone was the one that was grey. It only gave a little bit of magic. The purple one gave tons and tons of magic.
The Dark Figure had been eager to get it for ten million years. He was still desperate to get it, but so was Buckingham Puck, Light Figure, and Pinky. The Light Figure couldn’t wait any longer. She simply jumped up and ran. She knew where she was going because the purple light kept on shining. But when she finally got there, the hallway that was supposed to lead to the stone had fallen into a dark hole underneath it. She could still see the stone, but only a tiny piece of the hallway. There were big torches that she could hold onto while she put half of her foot on the edge of the hallway that was still there. She used her hands to hold onto the bottom part of the torches and used her feet to grip onto the piece of the hallway that was still there. Buckingham Puck watched as she grabbed onto the first torch and swung herself from left to right like a monkey.
The Dark Figure wasn’t born bad. When he was young, he had been a good person. But one day, when he wanted a cat, he could not get one because his parents were allergic. Ever since that day, he became mean and bad. So he decided that he would take Buckingham Puck instead. He quickly created a big, fat cat tractor which he could drive, and this tractor would pick up Buckingham Puck. He quickly tiptoed into the tractor and turned on the on button. The tractor rumbled to life.
“What in the world is that sound?” Buckingham Puck said curiously.
The tractor had hid itself behind some stones. The tractor had let out a smell of buffalo wings, so it lured Buckingham Puck. As he got closer, that tractor picked him up, put him in the back seat, and sprayed some baby powder, which made him go to sleep so he would not cause a ruckus that would alert the Light Figure. Pinky was paying attention to everything. She secretly crept into the backseat with Buckingham Puck. The Dark Figure had forgotten to put in the gas for the tractor. He kept pushing the on button, but there was no gas. The Dark Figure kept on getting more frustrated and began to fade.
“NO!” the Dark Figure screamed. “NO!”
The Light Figure had just finished getting the magical stone.
“YES!” Buckingham Puck yelled. “Light Figure, can we get married?”
“Yes,” the Light Figure said modestly. “Yes.”