“Would you eat dog food? If you’re reading this, you’re likely a human, so I don’t think you would. If you’re a dog who has managed to read this, you are probably too advanced to eat dog food. So, naturally I had to get some bacon.”
Let me tell you, there is nothing better than the smell of bacon in the morning. Even if it isn’t coming from your apartment. The neighbors were having a better breakfast than me again. I looked down at my bowl of Kibble in a Can and sulked.
“Kibble in a Can, the world’s chewiest dog food, yuck!”
Would you eat dog food? If you’re reading this, you’re likely a human, so I don’t think you would. If you’re a dog who has managed to read this, you are probably too advanced to eat dog food. So, naturally I had to get some bacon.
What else was I supposed to do other than jump from fire escape to fire escape until I found someone cooking bacon? After five fire escapes, nearly falling twice, and five minutes of barking at a particularly annoying cat, I found the bacon apartment. Now, I just had to get through one window, three people, and another dog to get to the bacon. You know what they say: take it one step at a time!
First thing’s first, the window. Maybe if it gets hot enough, they will open the window. The air conditioner was right next to the window! All I had to do was break the AC! This was starting to be easier than expected! Little did I know how hard it is to break an AC without hands. Have you ever tried turning off an AC from inside the house without your hands? (I don’t recommend it). Well imagine that, but from the outside of the house, the side without the off button. As I got closer to the AC, I could feel hot air shooting out at me. I had to tear off the panel with my mouth so I could rip the wire. Have you ever seen those cartoons where the character turns black when they get electrocuted. That’s how I felt. Turns out I wasn’t electrocuted, I was just shocked. The good news was that I ripped the wire and I’m pretty sure it turned off because hot air stopped shooting at me. (I know this seems a little extreme, but anything for bacon).
As the cold air stopped going into the apartment, the people inside seemed to notice. A woman walked over to the window. As this was happening, I had a daunting thought: what would she do when she saw a dog on her fire escape? I needed to hide. I used the basic thought that if I can’t see her she can’t see me. I covered my eyes with my paws, but somehow she managed to find me! It’s crazy! She must be a witch who can see through walls! When she found me, she took me inside and showed me to the other humans. There was a small female human and a large male human. Due to the fact that I jumped out the window, I didn’t have my collar on. The worst time to forget. Once I was in the apartment, the small female started making a high pitched squealing noise. This really hurt my ears, so what else was I supposed to do other than start running wildly around their apartment? Big mistake! Remember earlier when I mentioned that other dog? Well he started chasing me around the apartment and this guy was big! Big dog means big legs and big legs means fast. Soon the large dog started to catch up with me. If only I could find the kitchen, then I could get the bacon and get out of here.
After a bit longer, I ducked under the sofa where the big dog couldn’t get me. If my owner was here, he would call me a good boy! After looking around the apartment (from under the sofa), I had a strong sense of where the bacon was. Again, I’m such a good boy! I made a mad dash for the what I thought was the kitchen. I was right! I was in the kitchen, with a big dog, a large female human, and a small female human on my tail. I jumped onto the counter, where was the bacon? I saw it! Right there in front of me waiting to be eaten, so I ate it. Not all of it, but most of it. After that, I didn’t know what to do. I had my bacon, but how do I get out? I had no idea. Oh, oh, I know! I can just go back home using the fire escapes. I am such a good dog.